Archive for ‘love’

August 27, 2013

It Has Been a While

by thebirdieflies

It really has, hasn’t it? I even forgot what to type into my browser today, when I decided at last to tell my blog readers that I am indeed alive and kicking.

A lot has happened in the past three, four, five, months.

My on again, off again relationship with A has finally stabilized to an ‘off’ state. And I found a way to be okay with that.

I have more or less decided on what I want to do with life. I have decided that perhaps pursuing a PhD is really what I want to do, apart from trekking and photography and baking. ¬†Towards that end, I gave the GRE and did pretty well by most standards.¬†But, maybe it’s not time for a PhD right now, maybe after a few years, once I’m certain that I can produce some original research.

I made a new set of incredible friends, and somehow fell in love with them. That also made me resolve to try hard to make my other friendships stronger.

I lost one of my grandmothers. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that I will never see her again. I don’t know how to.

I stayed in a new city for two months, and fell in love with it. I’m back home now, but memories of the amazing times I had there will stay with me forever.

I don’t know if I will be blogging regularly. I am trying to cut out crap from my life, such as extended periods of Facebooking, in order to make time for more meaningful things. It will be my last year in college, and I want to spend it such that when I go away, I will miss the place. I realized recently that missing a place, or people doesn’t mean that you lost something – it means that you lost something that, for a while, made your life really amazing. It is better to love wildly and lose a part of you and hurt badly, than to move through life without feeling anything, neither hurt, nor pure happiness.

May 27, 2012

Protected: Memories

by thebirdieflies

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May 8, 2012

Protected: Questions to my Future Self

by thebirdieflies

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March 16, 2012

A Bad Day

by thebirdieflies

I was shouted at, by ‘A’ today.
I picked up his call and he shouted at me.

I hadn’t really been behaving myself. I think he even told me to ‘fuck off’ today, but I wasn’t sure I heard him properly, because he just walked off after that.

I wasn’t being nasty, you know? But I wasn’t being nice either. And I think everything just came to a head and A had to call me and shout at me.

I was shaken. A little. A bit.
Quite badly.

I apologized to him for setting him off, and he apologized to me for shouting at me.
In fact, he sorted the whole maybe-‘fuck off’-maybe-not out when he was extremely nice to me while stomach cramps slowly ate me alive from inside.
He brought me hot soup, he held the takeaway box of soup in the car because it was too full for me to hold while I ate out of it, he ran up and got me a painkiller from the college First Aid box. He was good to me. He totally made up for the maybe-‘fuck you’-maybe-not.
And then he called up and shouted at me!

Two days back, we discussed breaking up just to get some time away from each other.
He said he has changed (and so have I). He said he’s afraid he was awesome before we started dating only because he was trying to get me to like him. He said he’s afraid he’s slowly taking me for granted.

Two days back, I realized I probably don’t love him. Despite everything I’ve ever said to anyone.
It was a sad realization.
Today’s events make me wonder where we stand.
On one hand, he takes good care of me. On the other, he shouts at me when I’m least expecting it and alarms me badly.
On one hand, he loves me (or so he says). On the other, I don’t.

December 13, 2011

Loony Lunar Ramblings

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Once upon a time, you joined this astronomy group in your city and stayed up the whole night watching a lunar eclipse. You saw how the moon was covered slowly and slowly by a brownish shadow, and how, when it was almost entirely covered, the moon was still visible, but it appeared red.

You then went for a walk at 5 am that morning with A, in search of some food.

Had you known at that time that you would fall in love with him? You knew that a walk of more than 2 kms lay ahead of you, that you had a growling stomach, that the roads were dark, lonely and not altogether very safe. You walked and you walked and you never realised any of that, because you were with him. Were you conscious of how safe and loved he always made you feel, even though you were nothing more than friends at that time?

Now, when I see the moon at night, when I see it in its full glory, all white, opalescent and big, I am reminded of how tiny we are. The moon is held up in space with nothing but a force field of gravity. We are held up with nothing more than the same. The moon is so huge, that it’s beyond comprehension. Entire human cities would fit in one of those little spots of gray.

Space is so beautiful. There’s no air, there’s no noise, there’s nobody. Light is nothing but immense heat and night is nothing but freezing to death quicker than you can say space. Human problems like poverty, corruption, love, betrayal, terrorism, none of it means anything there. If nature means surviving, then space means existing, for time periods So long, that we cannot measure them in our lifespans.

Space is beautiful.

You are too. Remember that. Your lifespan is but a little blip in time. Don’t waste any of it being depressed.

Love,

Past Me