Archive for ‘relationships’

August 27, 2013

It Has Been a While

by thebirdieflies

It really has, hasn’t it? I even forgot what to type into my browser today, when I decided at last to tell my blog readers that I am indeed alive and kicking.

A lot has happened in the past three, four, five, months.

My on again, off again relationship with A has finally stabilized to an ‘off’ state. And I found a way to be okay with that.

I have more or less decided on what I want to do with life. I have decided that perhaps pursuing a PhD is really what I want to do, apart from trekking and photography and baking.  Towards that end, I gave the GRE and did pretty well by most standards. But, maybe it’s not time for a PhD right now, maybe after a few years, once I’m certain that I can produce some original research.

I made a new set of incredible friends, and somehow fell in love with them. That also made me resolve to try hard to make my other friendships stronger.

I lost one of my grandmothers. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that I will never see her again. I don’t know how to.

I stayed in a new city for two months, and fell in love with it. I’m back home now, but memories of the amazing times I had there will stay with me forever.

I don’t know if I will be blogging regularly. I am trying to cut out crap from my life, such as extended periods of Facebooking, in order to make time for more meaningful things. It will be my last year in college, and I want to spend it such that when I go away, I will miss the place. I realized recently that missing a place, or people doesn’t mean that you lost something – it means that you lost something that, for a while, made your life really amazing. It is better to love wildly and lose a part of you and hurt badly, than to move through life without feeling anything, neither hurt, nor pure happiness.

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January 2, 2013

Twenty One

by thebirdieflies

I’m about to officially be in my twenties. Not at the boundary anymore. They seem like a frightful period.

You are supposed to get things going in your twenties! You need to know what’s your career going to be, you need to finish college, you need to set the foundation for the rest of your life.

You might even *shh* marry.

I know nothing about any of it, and I suddenly feel like I’m being forced to grow up. Once I do my Masters, my career kind of gets fixed. There is usually not much room to change direction, unless you start your own business.

Some of my plans for my twenties are:

1. My own house!
2. Get a job!
3. Finish college.
4. Earn and save up and take at least One awesome trip to many countries in the world.
5. Buy a dSLR camera, finally. And an amazing zoom lens, and a prime lens.
6. Have a pet. Maybe a kitten.
7. Continue to stay in touch with friends and family.

Twenties are so talked about. You do a lot of experimentation then, you make lots of mistakes and learn from them, it’s almost like the period of time reserved for you to go wild before settling down into your thirties. Thirties seem comparatively more sedate, and mature.

I don’t know how my twenties will go for me. My teens were Not the way I would have liked for them to be.

I want to keep A with me in my twenties, that’s not something I can deny anymore. The question is, will I make bad choices because I so badly want to keep him with me?

Is it a good idea to want something so long-lasting right now? When everything is so transient. Nobody knows where we will end up for post-grad. Maybe in different countries. I am being so stupid, but denial doesn’t do anyone any good, and accepting the above has only given me permission to daydream more about it. Bleh.

In the meantime, here’s me, on Christmas. With a slightly wonky smile. Hi, y’all. 🙂

Hi, y'all!

 

October 5, 2012

It’s Done

by thebirdieflies

It’s over between me and A.

I haven’t even been able to talk to anyone about it.
That’s partly why I’m blogging about it. Hah.

The reason might seem kind of lame, it sure does to me, but it had to be done nevertheless.
It just doesn’t seem right to me, in my head, to think that we’re done for good.
Not only because I allowed myself to believe everything he said, but also because well, just that.
I didn’t think it was possible that someone who promised to always be patient with me would start snapping at me for no reason.

I need patience, okay? Don’t judge me.
I feel very stupid and lame and uninteresting and I’m generally a little miserable and I’m not the best person to date, but he KNEW that and he said he’ll hang in there with me DESPITE everything. Except he refused to use the word ‘despite’, he said there’s nothing about me he doesn’t like.

Stuff’s messed up.

In my head, outside my head, everywhere.

I always get these bouts of hating myself. And A hadn’t been helping lately. Maybe I became too demanding, too high-maintenance, too whiny. I don’t know, I’m going to be like this for a while now, so you don’t have to tell me that I’m a lovely person, shouldn’t hate myself etc. I know I’m a lovely person, but I’m not feeling it right now, so I’m going to go ahead and hate myself. Boo.

I want soft, fluffy kittens and I want to bury my face in them and hug them and take care of them and talk to them.
No people for me right now.
I’m going to sleep.

P.S. I participated in a half marathon last weekend. I finished it in 3 hours 7 minutes. Weather was terrible, preparation was insufficient, and I was only aiming to complete it.

July 3, 2012

Protected: Independence

by thebirdieflies

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May 27, 2012

Protected: Memories

by thebirdieflies

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May 21, 2012

Remember

by thebirdieflies

To remember: Never put an expiry date on your relationship with A. It pisses him off. It’s his only biggest grouse with you. So stop being pessimistic.

Love
Present Me

May 8, 2012

Protected: Questions to my Future Self

by thebirdieflies

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April 19, 2012

by thebirdieflies

I want to sleep, and sleep and not worry about the end semester exams next week.

I don’t want to talk to that girl who annoys me for no fault of hers.

I want to hold on to A and spend hours with him.

I want to run away from home and live somewhere on my own.

I want to burst out at dad and tell him everything that he’s doing wrong, if only he were open to listening to anything I say. Instead, I just swallow my anger and hear him out and then go away without saying anything back to him. Because he just wouldn’t listen.

I wish my family weren’t so insensitive. And I wish they fussed less about me.

I wish I didn’t feel so depressed with life.

I wish I knew what to do.

I feel like running away from A and being all alone and drowning in my misery and self-pity and not talking to him.
(You see what just happened there? I wanted to hold on to A and spend hours with him, but now I want to run away from him. This has also been happening a lot of late.)

I don’t have any plans for the summer, I wish I did. I don’t want to be jobless because that will make me more depressed and my family just doesn’t understand this and dad’s so insensitive, even if he understood that I’m depressed, he would handle it in such a way that it would just make it worse. But my problems with him don’t end at this, they extend to having a problem with his opinions, his attitude and his prejudices. Sometimes I wish mom would stand up to him more. But perhaps for the same reason that I don’t, she usually keeps her quiet when it’s trivial things that set dad off.

A shouldn’t have to put up with these mood swings of mine. Yesterday during a bout of depression late at night, I told him he should break up with me because I’m no good for him. I’ve been weepy and clingy and moody and angry and depressed and I don’t think anyone deserves to have to deal with all that. I mean it’s not even A’s problem; it’s mine.

I want to get drunk.
I laugh a lot when I’m high.

March 16, 2012

A Bad Day

by thebirdieflies

I was shouted at, by ‘A’ today.
I picked up his call and he shouted at me.

I hadn’t really been behaving myself. I think he even told me to ‘fuck off’ today, but I wasn’t sure I heard him properly, because he just walked off after that.

I wasn’t being nasty, you know? But I wasn’t being nice either. And I think everything just came to a head and A had to call me and shout at me.

I was shaken. A little. A bit.
Quite badly.

I apologized to him for setting him off, and he apologized to me for shouting at me.
In fact, he sorted the whole maybe-‘fuck off’-maybe-not out when he was extremely nice to me while stomach cramps slowly ate me alive from inside.
He brought me hot soup, he held the takeaway box of soup in the car because it was too full for me to hold while I ate out of it, he ran up and got me a painkiller from the college First Aid box. He was good to me. He totally made up for the maybe-‘fuck you’-maybe-not.
And then he called up and shouted at me!

Two days back, we discussed breaking up just to get some time away from each other.
He said he has changed (and so have I). He said he’s afraid he was awesome before we started dating only because he was trying to get me to like him. He said he’s afraid he’s slowly taking me for granted.

Two days back, I realized I probably don’t love him. Despite everything I’ve ever said to anyone.
It was a sad realization.
Today’s events make me wonder where we stand.
On one hand, he takes good care of me. On the other, he shouts at me when I’m least expecting it and alarms me badly.
On one hand, he loves me (or so he says). On the other, I don’t.

February 5, 2012

Algorithms

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

You know how you used to not want to do something but unwillingly gave in because you thought the other person seemed to have something of a point?
Well, A designed an algorithm and I’m writing it down here because you should try your best to remember it and apply it.
I must say, his algorithm is pretty fair.

For x being something that you don’t want to do,
Consider:
Is it something that affects you?
Do you want to do it?
If the first answer is yes and the second answer is not yes (it may be ‘maybe’), then don’t do it.

It’s that simple.
A blanket ban on anything that you aren’t comfortable doing.
Not comfortable getting a lift from strangers?
Not comfortable going to that party?
Not comfortable wearing the clothes you’re wearing?
Not comfortable eating that shady looking piece of meat?
Just don’t do it! It’s that simple.

I believe this applies quite heavily in relationships.
And in fact, certain events that transpired in my relationship with R were just what led to A designing this algorithm for me. No regrets, no hard feelings against the other person.

Love
Past Me