Archive for ‘rants’

October 18, 2012

Meltdown

by thebirdieflies

Too much work. I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and I don’t think anyone is the slightest bit sympathetic towards it. Definitely not my parents. All my dad cares about is good grades and he probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I went crazy trying to achieve them.

I’ve been falling apart far too easily if things won’t go the way I want them to go. And lately, nothing has been going my way. I have to write a speech, and I’ve been trying to contact the person who did it last year but she’s not fucking responding. I can’t write a speech when I’m cranky and I want good food and I want to sleep without worrying about the next deadline. I can’t go home because the journey will cost me precious hours of either sleep or work and I need both. I wanted to play table tennis yesterday but nobody would let me have a turn and I had been waiting for quite some time and they just kept saying, “After this game, after this game”, and I know I sound like a crybaby writing this, and that makes me feel worse.

THE FUCKING TOUCHPAD ON MY LAPTOP IS NOT WORKING NOW.

Everything is so rotten right now.

I wanted to order in something, but nobody else would. I didn’t want to eat the food that is available here, so I’ll just not eat now because there’s nothing to fucking eat that makes me Want to eat it.

If A were here, he would’ve ordered in with me, but he isn’t, he’s sick, he’s home. He’s offered to write my speech for me, but we have more important fucking things to doooo. Why would anyone waste their time on a stupid fucking speech?

I want to be left alone. I’m afraid I’ll snap at everyone if they say anything to me. I want things my way, for a change. I want good food to be brought to me on a plate while I watch some TV shows, or a movie or two.

I wish I had transportation, and company, I’d go and buy a bottle or two. But there’s nobody who will go along with me, and I have no transportation and there’s nobody who I don’t fucking find irritating.

UPDATE: It seems like this post and the one-hour-long cry accompanying it was cathartic, because after writing it, I started feeling much better, so I went ahead and completed the speech because I was certainly not upto programming shit or reading research papers again (the stuff that I said is more important than writing that stupid speech). I ate something too, although it was more out of easy availability than actually wanting to eat it. It’s like eating a lot of chips. After a point, you’re just mechanically stuffing your mouth without really relishing what you’re eating. I also had a long chat with a good friend. I’ve still not completely recovered, but at least I’m not as frustrated, irritated, crabby, cranky, sobby and ready-to-combust as I was earlier.

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April 19, 2012

by thebirdieflies

I want to sleep, and sleep and not worry about the end semester exams next week.

I don’t want to talk to that girl who annoys me for no fault of hers.

I want to hold on to A and spend hours with him.

I want to run away from home and live somewhere on my own.

I want to burst out at dad and tell him everything that he’s doing wrong, if only he were open to listening to anything I say. Instead, I just swallow my anger and hear him out and then go away without saying anything back to him. Because he just wouldn’t listen.

I wish my family weren’t so insensitive. And I wish they fussed less about me.

I wish I didn’t feel so depressed with life.

I wish I knew what to do.

I feel like running away from A and being all alone and drowning in my misery and self-pity and not talking to him.
(You see what just happened there? I wanted to hold on to A and spend hours with him, but now I want to run away from him. This has also been happening a lot of late.)

I don’t have any plans for the summer, I wish I did. I don’t want to be jobless because that will make me more depressed and my family just doesn’t understand this and dad’s so insensitive, even if he understood that I’m depressed, he would handle it in such a way that it would just make it worse. But my problems with him don’t end at this, they extend to having a problem with his opinions, his attitude and his prejudices. Sometimes I wish mom would stand up to him more. But perhaps for the same reason that I don’t, she usually keeps her quiet when it’s trivial things that set dad off.

A shouldn’t have to put up with these mood swings of mine. Yesterday during a bout of depression late at night, I told him he should break up with me because I’m no good for him. I’ve been weepy and clingy and moody and angry and depressed and I don’t think anyone deserves to have to deal with all that. I mean it’s not even A’s problem; it’s mine.

I want to get drunk.
I laugh a lot when I’m high.

March 16, 2012

A Bad Day

by thebirdieflies

I was shouted at, by ‘A’ today.
I picked up his call and he shouted at me.

I hadn’t really been behaving myself. I think he even told me to ‘fuck off’ today, but I wasn’t sure I heard him properly, because he just walked off after that.

I wasn’t being nasty, you know? But I wasn’t being nice either. And I think everything just came to a head and A had to call me and shout at me.

I was shaken. A little. A bit.
Quite badly.

I apologized to him for setting him off, and he apologized to me for shouting at me.
In fact, he sorted the whole maybe-‘fuck off’-maybe-not out when he was extremely nice to me while stomach cramps slowly ate me alive from inside.
He brought me hot soup, he held the takeaway box of soup in the car because it was too full for me to hold while I ate out of it, he ran up and got me a painkiller from the college First Aid box. He was good to me. He totally made up for the maybe-‘fuck you’-maybe-not.
And then he called up and shouted at me!

Two days back, we discussed breaking up just to get some time away from each other.
He said he has changed (and so have I). He said he’s afraid he was awesome before we started dating only because he was trying to get me to like him. He said he’s afraid he’s slowly taking me for granted.

Two days back, I realized I probably don’t love him. Despite everything I’ve ever said to anyone.
It was a sad realization.
Today’s events make me wonder where we stand.
On one hand, he takes good care of me. On the other, he shouts at me when I’m least expecting it and alarms me badly.
On one hand, he loves me (or so he says). On the other, I don’t.

January 9, 2012

For Want of a Passion

by thebirdieflies

I’m tired.
I’m tired of just shuffling along, putting all my efforts into getting into a good college, getting a good education, getting a good grade, finishing that project, studying for that test, sticking to my deadlines, keeping up with my commitments, not sparing Any time to really try to figure out what it is that I’m good at, or that I have an interest in.

I chose to go into engineering because I saw it as an easy way out.
I didn’t have to figure anything out for myself, everything was clearly laid out for me. I didn’t have to sit back and think about what I wanted to do, or what interested me. If engineering turned out to not be my cup of tea, I could just do a post-graduation after that of anything I like. I assumed that I would have it all figured out by then.

I was just escaping the inevitable for the time being.

Now, at the end of almost 2 years of engineering, I think I need to reflect on what I want to do.
I need to look for opportunities to learn more in those fields, I need to know people, get in touch with people who can point me in the right directions.
All along I thought computer science was my domain. I am good in this field, I have sharp logic, I can reason on my feet, I understand concepts related to computers fairly quickly and I’m not too bad at programming. I was perfectly happy envisioning doing a few internships during my undergrad years, doing as many projects as I could, building my CV, a few years doing my post-grad in USA, a happy life somewhere or the other and hopefully money enough to keep me alive comfortably (and a bit more).
Then A came and told me about his friend who’s really interested in being a designer.

And I’m lost again.
I wanted to try my hand at designing too. I really did.
I want to do photography too, I really do.
I want to see if I’m good enough at either of them to be able to feed myself off my photos/designs.
I want to be passionate about one thing that I would take time out for and that I would seriously pursue.
I want to find out what it is that I should do. Is computer science really going to keep me happy? I’m good, no doubt; but is that enough?
Yesterday I talked to A’s friend. He showed me the resources he’d collected for himself. I looked through some old exam papers. I don’t know; people who did their undergrad in design have So much of a leverage over me in terms of drawing skills and drawing what they’re imagining. I haven’t even exercised that portion of my head for so long! I think in 2D, my spatial reasoning is something I struggle with in IQ tests. I didn’t even do mechanical/engineering drawing goddamnit. What will I ever do?

I am afraid. I really am.

I could take the easy way out again. But I don’t want to keep doing for the rest of my life.

December 13, 2011

Loony Lunar Ramblings

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Once upon a time, you joined this astronomy group in your city and stayed up the whole night watching a lunar eclipse. You saw how the moon was covered slowly and slowly by a brownish shadow, and how, when it was almost entirely covered, the moon was still visible, but it appeared red.

You then went for a walk at 5 am that morning with A, in search of some food.

Had you known at that time that you would fall in love with him? You knew that a walk of more than 2 kms lay ahead of you, that you had a growling stomach, that the roads were dark, lonely and not altogether very safe. You walked and you walked and you never realised any of that, because you were with him. Were you conscious of how safe and loved he always made you feel, even though you were nothing more than friends at that time?

Now, when I see the moon at night, when I see it in its full glory, all white, opalescent and big, I am reminded of how tiny we are. The moon is held up in space with nothing but a force field of gravity. We are held up with nothing more than the same. The moon is so huge, that it’s beyond comprehension. Entire human cities would fit in one of those little spots of gray.

Space is so beautiful. There’s no air, there’s no noise, there’s nobody. Light is nothing but immense heat and night is nothing but freezing to death quicker than you can say space. Human problems like poverty, corruption, love, betrayal, terrorism, none of it means anything there. If nature means surviving, then space means existing, for time periods So long, that we cannot measure them in our lifespans.

Space is beautiful.

You are too. Remember that. Your lifespan is but a little blip in time. Don’t waste any of it being depressed.

Love,

Past Me

November 16, 2011

Shiver

by thebirdieflies

That song was part of the movie’s soundtrack. The movie I was watching.

That song.

It hit me. I shivered.

It used to be my alarm tone because it woke me up like a little nudge, like a soft voice calling my name.
It used to be R’s alarm tone too.
I remember he said he would wake up every morning and be lulled back to sleep, dreaming of me.
I wouldn’t be lulled back to sleep because I would extricate my phone from under my pillow and I would read the messages he had left for me.
I would stay in bed for a few minutes, messaging him, unwilling to face the cold mornings, unwilling to let go of my warm blanket, unwilling to stop talking to him.
It was late winter, those days. The mornings were cold, the beds were seductive.

He loved me.
It hurts to think that I hurt him.
A, no matter how much I like him, no matter how much I think I might love him, and no matter how well we get along, doesn’t love me. Yet.

I played the song right now.
I had to pause because it made me incredibly sad.

Do I miss R?
I don’t know.
How could I miss him? Have I forgotten all those fights, all those arguments, all those things that came in our way until we couldn’t be together any longer? I had moved on from him. I was the one who grew bored of him. How could I be the one who misses him?
I saw him a month back.
He was smiling. I don’t know if he saw me.

Sometimes I wish I could be as sure of things with A as I was with R.

Sometimes I wonder if everything has been a huge mistake.

Sometimes I see things the way R used to see and the way I never saw. And I feel really bad.
I feel guilty, and I don’t know how to let go of that guilt.

Imagine someone you love a lot. Imagine him (or her) slowly drifting away from you, spending more time away from you, hanging out with others more and with you less. Imagine him not understanding what you are saying, imagine him getting closer and closer to another girl and you can see in front of your eyes that he is growing more distant and there is nothing you can do about it.
I tell myself that I never allowed myself to like A while I was still with R.
I know that I never looked at A as anything more than a friend, giving everything I could give to the relationship with R.
I know that, and I firmly believe that.
But I can’t deny that I grew closer and closer to A, even if it was only as a friend, until A mattered a lot more than R did.
He was, still, a friend.
But he was a close friend.
Someone I got along with better.
And in retrospect, I don’t know what I really liked about R.
But I can’t deny that I loved him, even if it wasn’t as much as he loved me.

I don’t want to give this any more thought.
I have moved on from R, and I like A now. The guilt, that can’t be helped. I shall have to live with it.
And the uncertainties about everything with A will simply have to resolve themselves.

October 13, 2011

Of Futility

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I don’t get it, alright? I just don’t get it. I don’t get how one can expect me to put in some effort if there is nothing to look forward to. If you are telling me that we are Going to lose, How The FUCK do you expect me to even turn up for it, much less sit there and try my hand at winning?

I am supposed to go, sit for Four FUCKING hours, do some thinking and coding instead of something infinitely more satisfying like sleeping for those four hours straight, when you, my dear, dear team mates, are telling me that we are going to lose anyway. I don’t know how that drives you to even perform a bit, it just makes me want to slap you both across your faces ten thousand times for leading me to believe that we will Not give up until TWO days before the event, when I cannot even choose some slightly more motivated team partners. I want to punch somebody until my knuckles start bleeding, I am That frustrated.

Just go do it alone, okay? I’m not coming. I’m not taking part in some shameless giving up before the fucking event has even Commenced. I cannot partake in coding without being given the slightest hope of something good happening. I know that we are nowhere as good as so many other teams. I know that nearly 800 teams have registered and it’s tough competition. I know that, and I’m not deluding myself into believing that we will win. I just need a little more motivation from you, because I really wanted to take part and put in some Serious effort. I need this, because I am afraid of ending up nowhere. I hate you, because that will not happen to you, but it can VERY WELL happen to me. I fucking hate all of you.