Archive for ‘questions’

January 2, 2013

Twenty One

by thebirdieflies

I’m about to officially be in my twenties. Not at the boundary anymore. They seem like a frightful period.

You are supposed to get things going in your twenties! You need to know what’s your career going to be, you need to finish college, you need to set the foundation for the rest of your life.

You might even *shh* marry.

I know nothing about any of it, and I suddenly feel like I’m being forced to grow up. Once I do my Masters, my career kind of gets fixed. There is usually not much room to change direction, unless you start your own business.

Some of my plans for my twenties are:

1. My own house!
2. Get a job!
3. Finish college.
4. Earn and save up and take at least One awesome trip to many countries in the world.
5. Buy a dSLR camera, finally. And an amazing zoom lens, and a prime lens.
6. Have a pet. Maybe a kitten.
7. Continue to stay in touch with friends and family.

Twenties are so talked about. You do a lot of experimentation then, you make lots of mistakes and learn from them, it’s almost like the period of time reserved for you to go wild before settling down into your thirties. Thirties seem comparatively more sedate, and mature.

I don’t know how my twenties will go for me. My teens were Not the way I would have liked for them to be.

I want to keep A with me in my twenties, that’s not something I can deny anymore. The question is, will I make bad choices because I so badly want to keep him with me?

Is it a good idea to want something so long-lasting right now? When everything is so transient. Nobody knows where we will end up for post-grad. Maybe in different countries. I am being so stupid, but denial doesn’t do anyone any good, and accepting the above has only given me permission to daydream more about it. Bleh.

In the meantime, here’s me, on Christmas. With a slightly wonky smile. Hi, y’all. 🙂

Hi, y'all!

 

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May 8, 2012

Protected: Questions to my Future Self

by thebirdieflies

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January 9, 2012

For Want of a Passion

by thebirdieflies

I’m tired.
I’m tired of just shuffling along, putting all my efforts into getting into a good college, getting a good education, getting a good grade, finishing that project, studying for that test, sticking to my deadlines, keeping up with my commitments, not sparing Any time to really try to figure out what it is that I’m good at, or that I have an interest in.

I chose to go into engineering because I saw it as an easy way out.
I didn’t have to figure anything out for myself, everything was clearly laid out for me. I didn’t have to sit back and think about what I wanted to do, or what interested me. If engineering turned out to not be my cup of tea, I could just do a post-graduation after that of anything I like. I assumed that I would have it all figured out by then.

I was just escaping the inevitable for the time being.

Now, at the end of almost 2 years of engineering, I think I need to reflect on what I want to do.
I need to look for opportunities to learn more in those fields, I need to know people, get in touch with people who can point me in the right directions.
All along I thought computer science was my domain. I am good in this field, I have sharp logic, I can reason on my feet, I understand concepts related to computers fairly quickly and I’m not too bad at programming. I was perfectly happy envisioning doing a few internships during my undergrad years, doing as many projects as I could, building my CV, a few years doing my post-grad in USA, a happy life somewhere or the other and hopefully money enough to keep me alive comfortably (and a bit more).
Then A came and told me about his friend who’s really interested in being a designer.

And I’m lost again.
I wanted to try my hand at designing too. I really did.
I want to do photography too, I really do.
I want to see if I’m good enough at either of them to be able to feed myself off my photos/designs.
I want to be passionate about one thing that I would take time out for and that I would seriously pursue.
I want to find out what it is that I should do. Is computer science really going to keep me happy? I’m good, no doubt; but is that enough?
Yesterday I talked to A’s friend. He showed me the resources he’d collected for himself. I looked through some old exam papers. I don’t know; people who did their undergrad in design have So much of a leverage over me in terms of drawing skills and drawing what they’re imagining. I haven’t even exercised that portion of my head for so long! I think in 2D, my spatial reasoning is something I struggle with in IQ tests. I didn’t even do mechanical/engineering drawing goddamnit. What will I ever do?

I am afraid. I really am.

I could take the easy way out again. But I don’t want to keep doing for the rest of my life.

December 11, 2011

Numb

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

When you were about 12-13 years old, the song, Numb, by Linkin Park was a huge favourite of yours. You didn’t have iPods at that time and were still un-introduced to the idea of downloading songs off the net. You would listen to this song over and over again over the telephone because your best friend had this song on her computer somehow. You wrote down its lyrics once, trying to decipher the words over the phone, and sang along to the song in your head.
Linkin Park, oh how much you loved that band.
Now you think it’s not worth all that fawning over.

Now, you actually Do feel numb. Emotionally numb. And this is something you’re doing to yourself. If an idea disgusts you, repulses you, shocks you, you think of it over and over again until you are numb to it. Such as the idea of self-cannibalism in Stephen King’s short story ‘Survivor Type’.

But no, that is not really of concern at the moment.
What is of concern is that you, all of a sudden, are incapable of feeling love. What is love? Have you asked yourself that question far too many times to actually ever feel it anymore? Or was love something only reserved for R? You think you love A, but you are not sure. And once you start on that track, you are no longer sure of anything. Why do you like him? Why can you not feel the dread that he feels, the euphoria that he feels, the love that he feels being with you? Why were you so cold and numb to the idea of breaking up with him? Didn’t it matter?
Why are you pushing yourself away from him? When anything he says hurts you, you clam up just a little bit more. You look for someone else to fulfil your emotional needs. You don’t need him, you tell yourself. You become just a little more numb.

You will have a conversation with him tonight. I hope it gets sorted out.

Love
Past Me

November 16, 2011

Shiver

by thebirdieflies

That song was part of the movie’s soundtrack. The movie I was watching.

That song.

It hit me. I shivered.

It used to be my alarm tone because it woke me up like a little nudge, like a soft voice calling my name.
It used to be R’s alarm tone too.
I remember he said he would wake up every morning and be lulled back to sleep, dreaming of me.
I wouldn’t be lulled back to sleep because I would extricate my phone from under my pillow and I would read the messages he had left for me.
I would stay in bed for a few minutes, messaging him, unwilling to face the cold mornings, unwilling to let go of my warm blanket, unwilling to stop talking to him.
It was late winter, those days. The mornings were cold, the beds were seductive.

He loved me.
It hurts to think that I hurt him.
A, no matter how much I like him, no matter how much I think I might love him, and no matter how well we get along, doesn’t love me. Yet.

I played the song right now.
I had to pause because it made me incredibly sad.

Do I miss R?
I don’t know.
How could I miss him? Have I forgotten all those fights, all those arguments, all those things that came in our way until we couldn’t be together any longer? I had moved on from him. I was the one who grew bored of him. How could I be the one who misses him?
I saw him a month back.
He was smiling. I don’t know if he saw me.

Sometimes I wish I could be as sure of things with A as I was with R.

Sometimes I wonder if everything has been a huge mistake.

Sometimes I see things the way R used to see and the way I never saw. And I feel really bad.
I feel guilty, and I don’t know how to let go of that guilt.

Imagine someone you love a lot. Imagine him (or her) slowly drifting away from you, spending more time away from you, hanging out with others more and with you less. Imagine him not understanding what you are saying, imagine him getting closer and closer to another girl and you can see in front of your eyes that he is growing more distant and there is nothing you can do about it.
I tell myself that I never allowed myself to like A while I was still with R.
I know that I never looked at A as anything more than a friend, giving everything I could give to the relationship with R.
I know that, and I firmly believe that.
But I can’t deny that I grew closer and closer to A, even if it was only as a friend, until A mattered a lot more than R did.
He was, still, a friend.
But he was a close friend.
Someone I got along with better.
And in retrospect, I don’t know what I really liked about R.
But I can’t deny that I loved him, even if it wasn’t as much as he loved me.

I don’t want to give this any more thought.
I have moved on from R, and I like A now. The guilt, that can’t be helped. I shall have to live with it.
And the uncertainties about everything with A will simply have to resolve themselves.

October 6, 2011

Of Scratch-Off Challenges

by thebirdieflies

I found this challenge on a blog. I thought I’ll try it out.

Dear Future Me

This is how you were, at 19.

Appearance
I have/had piercings besides the ears.
I want piercings besides the ears.
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color.  (I want different coloured streaks)
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I want a tattoo.
I can be self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/had braces.
I have more than two piercings.

Embarrassment
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
I’ve had my pants rip in public.
I’ve touched something sharp/hot/etc to see if it would hurt.

Health
I’ve gotten stitches.
I’ve broken or dislocated a bone.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I’ve had chicken pox.
I’ve had malaria.
I’ve had typhoid.
I’ve had jaundice.

Travel
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been to US.
I’ve been to Europe.
I’ve been to at least one other country.
I’ve never been out of my country.

Experiences
I’ve gotten lost in my city.
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I’ve slapped someone.
I’ve kissed someone underwater.
I’ve chugged something.
I’ve crashed a car.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a musical.
I’ve auditioned for something.
I’ve been on stage.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
I’ve pranked someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.

Honesty / Crime
I’ve been threatened to be arrested.
I’ve broken a law.
I’ve done something I promised someone I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve sneaked out.
I’ve lied about my whereabouts.
I’ve cheated while playing a game.
I’ve been in a fist fight.

Death
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I’ve seen someone/something die.
Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide.
I have attempted suicide.
I’ve thought about suicide before.
I’ve written a eulogy for myself. (I will do this soon. Interesting idea!)

Materialism
I own over 10 music CDs.
I own over 10 novels.
I own over 5 electronic gadgets.
I’m obsessed with anime/manga.
I collected comic books.
I own a lot of makeup.
I own gaming console(s).
I own a car.
I own a bike.
I thrive on compliments.
I thrive on hate.

Random
I can sing low key.
I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others easily.
I watch the news occasionally or always.
I like to kill bugs.
I sing in the shower.
I’m a morning person.
I’m a sports fanatic.
I twirl my hair.
I care about grammar.
I love spam.
I’ve copied more than 30 CDs in a day.
I bake well.
My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, blue, red, black, purple, or orange.
I would wear pajamas to school.
I like Martha Stewart.
I laugh at my own jokes.
I eat fast food weekly.
I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
I can’t sleep if there’s a bug/insect in the room.
I’m really ticklish.
I like chocolate.
I bite my nails.
I’m good at remembering names.
I’m good at remembering dates.
My memory sucks.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

People
…used to ask if I was anorexic/bulimic.
…called me fat.
…say I’m skinny.
…have said I’m ugly.
…have said I’m pretty.
…have spread rumors about me.
…force me to eat.
…say I eat too much.
…say I eat too little.
…say I eat too fast.
…say I eat too slow.
…have called me a genius.
…have given me gifts.

Eating
I’ve lost weight.
I’ve gained weight.
I’m at my thinnest.
I’m at my biggest.
I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
I’ve lost weight, but gained it back.
My weight affects my mood. A lot.
I diet.
I’m vegan/vegetarian.
I exercise.
I’ve fainted from exhaustion.

Family
I’ve sworn at my parents.
I’ve planned to run away from home before.
I’ve run away from home.
My biological parents are together.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want kids.
I’ve had kids.
I’ve lost a child.

Relationships
I’m engaged.
I’m married.
I’m a swinger.
I’m single.
I’m in a relationship.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I have/had a friend with benefits.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I don’t like to depend on others.
I’ve gotten divorced.
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
Someone has/had feelings for me when I didn’t have them back.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
I’m a cuddler.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I’ve kissed a stranger.

Bad times
I regularly drink.
I can’t swallow pills.
I can swallow numerous pills at a time without difficulty.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression at some point.
I have/had anxiety problems.
I shut others out when I’m upset.
I don’t have anyone to talk to when I’m upset.
I have taken/take anti-depressants.
I’ve slept an entire day before.
I’ve plotted revenge.

Love,

Past Me

October 6, 2011

Of Pertinent Questions

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

When you are considering dating someone, try making a list of all the things you like about him.
If it’s going to be a one-week fling, just about Anything on that list will work.
But if you are serious about making it last a while, see if the guy is a good conversationalist. Does he interest you? Do you want to keep talking to him, not because he’s flirting with you, but because what he talks about interests you? Does he Know stuff? Stuff that you like, or are interested in. Can he carry out an entire conversation discussing world politics/history, religion, science, psychology of people etc? Also, very importantly, does he make you laugh? Does he not mind that you act foolish at times and commit social faux pas? Does he keep commenting on how you speak, dress, walk and do you feel like he’s trying to change you? Is he nice to you? And does he seem genuine and honest?

These are pertinent questions.

If you don’t want boredom to set in, you need something more substantial than a good-looking hunk of a man.

Lots of love,
Past Me