Archive for ‘Me’

February 6, 2013

I Learnt

by thebirdieflies

In a play area full of cardboard box at a recent book fair, I learnt something about myself – I Really don’t like destroying.

I don’t like breaking down cardboard box forts, even though they can be rebuilt.

I don’t like throwing away the chocolate wrapper collection that I have long since given up on.

I don’t like letting go of books that I no longer read.

I don’t like throwing away old letters, photographs, notebooks with stories and essays I’d written as a kid, school projects, SMSes.

 

I broke apart a ‘rival’ cardboard fort eventually, but I didn’t enjoy it One bit. It felt like tearing down someone’s hard work.

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January 2, 2013

Twenty One

by thebirdieflies

I’m about to officially be in my twenties. Not at the boundary anymore. They seem like a frightful period.

You are supposed to get things going in your twenties! You need to know what’s your career going to be, you need to finish college, you need to set the foundation for the rest of your life.

You might even *shh* marry.

I know nothing about any of it, and I suddenly feel like I’m being forced to grow up. Once I do my Masters, my career kind of gets fixed. There is usually not much room to change direction, unless you start your own business.

Some of my plans for my twenties are:

1. My own house!
2. Get a job!
3. Finish college.
4. Earn and save up and take at least One awesome trip to many countries in the world.
5. Buy a dSLR camera, finally. And an amazing zoom lens, and a prime lens.
6. Have a pet. Maybe a kitten.
7. Continue to stay in touch with friends and family.

Twenties are so talked about. You do a lot of experimentation then, you make lots of mistakes and learn from them, it’s almost like the period of time reserved for you to go wild before settling down into your thirties. Thirties seem comparatively more sedate, and mature.

I don’t know how my twenties will go for me. My teens were Not the way I would have liked for them to be.

I want to keep A with me in my twenties, that’s not something I can deny anymore. The question is, will I make bad choices because I so badly want to keep him with me?

Is it a good idea to want something so long-lasting right now? When everything is so transient. Nobody knows where we will end up for post-grad. Maybe in different countries. I am being so stupid, but denial doesn’t do anyone any good, and accepting the above has only given me permission to daydream more about it. Bleh.

In the meantime, here’s me, on Christmas. With a slightly wonky smile. Hi, y’all. 🙂

Hi, y'all!

 

August 8, 2012

My First WIAW

by thebirdieflies

This post is entirely dedicated to Nicole because it is only since she asked, that I took photos of what I ate and am now posting them!

This is her WIAW post for this week.

She is, in her words, “a bulimic mafia”. I am, in her words, “a civilian”. And the following foods are what I generally eat. Also, it is to be noted, that I forgot to photograph Many of my little snacks and meals. If you don’t see a photo of breakfast, unless specified, it doesn’t mean I didn’t eat any, it only means that I forgot to photograph it.

Breakfast, Wednesday 1st August – 4 of these butter cookies! I’d woken up late that day, and I tried to wait and just have lunch, but I was really hungry.

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Evening “snack”, Wednesday 1st August – Watermelon + baked biscuit-type-things. Not pictured: A bowl of stir fried vegetables that I made myself! I was so proud. But they didn’t turn out too well and I haven’t made more since then 😛

Also had: Iced tea! Wait, let me show you how big the mug really is…

Tada! Yeah, I like iced tea 🙂

Breakfast part I, Thursday 2nd August – Watermelon!

Breakfast part II, Thursday 2nd August – Scrambled eggs with tomato and onion. I like to eat them as it is. The book, I believe, is either ‘Collected Short Stories by Jeffrey Archer’, or ‘Solitaire Mystery’ by Jostein Gaarder.

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Evening snack, Thursday 2nd August – A packaged ice cream cone! Only because I was hungry, and it was lying in the fridge. Lately, the appeal of ice cream has worn off a bit.
And washed down with a huge mug of iced tea!

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Evening snack, Friday, 3rd August – A bowl of packaged Chinese Sweet Corn Soup. Again, it was convenience food, because I So prefer freshly made soup :’)

Breakfast, Saturday 4th August – Egg paratha, which is paratha with egg on one side. I eat it with ketchup (not pictured).

Lunch, Saturday 4th August – Homemade pizza :’) (made by me and A)
This is A’s pizza, because I’d finished mine by the time I remembered to take a photo. Mine was equally big, about 8-9″ in diameter, just a lot more CHEESY! It has olives, sweet corn, chicken salami, onions, tomatoes, capsicum and mushroom. Some herbs went on top and a whole lot of mozzarella cheese.

Late-lunch-cum-evening-snack Saturday 4th August – Homemade stuffed garlic bread (made by me and A)! It has mushrooms, cheese, sweet corn, olives and oregano seasoning inside it.
Its meal status is confusing/confused because not only was the pizza part of a late lunch, but the garlic bread was even later. We were anyway so stuffed that we just managed to eat like a slice each, when it came fresh out of the oven, all brown and crunchy (you can’t see the brown-ness very well in this photo).

One big slice of this became breakfast, Sunday 5th August.

Breakfast, Monday 6th August – Rice and pokchoy/mushroom/some other stuff in black bean sauce. I don’t normally eat rice so early in the morning (no particular reason, I just don’t like to), but I wasn’t much in the mood to make something fresh. This was Sunday night’s Chinese takeout dinner’s leftovers.

Lunch, Monday 6th August – Spaghetti with tomato and chicken. Not pictured: 3 large glasses of lemonade + minestrone soup.

I literally ate so much, I had to throw up.
Partly because I dislike wasting food. And partly because I was the only one left so I kinda just shovelled food into my mouth because I hate being the only one left eating. I hate not being able to have a leisurely lunch where I can eat at my own comfortable pace. I like A; he finishes what I can’t eat but he wasn’t there that day. 😥

Bleh.

 

Evening snack part I, Monday 6th August – Watermelon. It’s my post-yoga-class staple. But I eat it a lot otherwise as well 🙂

 

Evening snack part II, Monday 6th August – Chocolate cake. ‘Twas my brother’s birthday. Not pictured: chicken tikka.

I’ve realized how misleading calling it an “evening snack” is. It’s not a “snack”. It’s almost a full-fledged meal.

Yet I manage to have dinner after this.

 

Lunch, Tuesday 7th August – Biryani leftover from Monday night. So yes, it’s also Monday dinner.

 

Evening MEAL, Tuesday, 7th August – Cake, lots of leftover chocolate cake! Yay!

And, that’s the end of the WIAW. Many photos have turned out crappy. My apologies. Many meals have gone undocumented. I really can’t help that, I’m not in the habit of taking photos of my meals. Many calories have been consumed. I look back on them and fondly remember :’)

July 31, 2012

Regret

by thebirdieflies

“I do not regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do.”

Some sources say Rory Cochrane said that.

In my case, I find it occurring both ways.

I regret things I’ve done, but technically that is just another way of saying I regret things I haven’t done. For example, I regret leading my best friend on = I regret NOT having told him earlier what I really thought of him. Tada. ‘Tis a magic called Negation!

It so happens that a blog-friend of mine wrote about the same thing last week. Fuck regret, I say too. Regret only comes in the way of you achieving awesome things in life, because instead of concentrating on being awesome (Barney Stinson style), you concentrate on regrets. And my advice to my Future Self is: Don’t give yourself the Chance to regret something. And in case you do, move on, move on.

We exist on earth for such a brief period of time. I don’t know about re-incarnation, but isn’t it up to us to live the best way we can, while we are living?
I don’t think it matters when we die.
When we die, we’re just, finished. Nothing to regret anymore.
But while we’re living, oh we should be Living!
People who fast get stuck in the drudgery of everyday life, lose sight of beauty in this world.
They lose sight of that which makes this world such a wonderful place to live in.
They take for granted the many thousands of years of evolution and development that have resulted in us being who we are!
They forget about the other species co-existing on the planet along with us.

They forget about nature’s miracles, those remarkable phenomena which take our breath away, because time and again, we underestimate the magic.

I want to go scuba-diving and see how the fish live.
I want to go paragliding, to feel how a bird feels.
I want to climb rocks and mountains and feel the sense of achievement when we use our bodies the way they were meant to be used. (Also, parkour!)
I want to study the stars, and gasp at aurorae.
I want to partake in acts of daredevilry and court death, because even if I die, it’ll be a far grander way to die, than to die of a heart attack sitting in front of the television.

Experiences.
They shape us. Everything, from being told off by mothers to dressing up for a party is an experience. Without experience, we would have the brain of a newborn baby.
And the more things you experience, the more you learn about life itself.

It makes me happy, that I’ve inherited some of my father’s love for travel, and experimentation.
I see people who refuse to step out of their comfort zones even when it comes to doing something as mundane as trying out a new cuisine.
Granted I don’t fearlessly chomp down foreign cuisines and granted, I have my apprehensions too. I know there are things that I will never be able to bring myself to try.
But I think I’m a little better than them, because I Try. Of late, this aspect of mine has developed even more.

I don’t want to regret living on this beautiful planet and not seeing enough of it.
But I do fear I don’t have the time/resources.

March 3, 2012

It has been long

by thebirdieflies

It has been ages and ages since I last blogged.
I feel bad about that because it’s only when I write regularly will I ever write well. When I first started blogging at the age of 12, I wrote a lot of crap, but over a year or two, I improved hugely and I believe that was my best period of writing ever. When I read what I wrote at that time, I feel very impressed with my younger self.

However, it has to be noted that I have been doing a lot of Important things in the meantime. What important things, you ask?

1. I have finally decided to take control of my life. Stop wasting time. Start taking time out for things that are extremely worthwhile, but that get lost in the never-ending flow of work deadlines. Things that most people relegate to ‘hobby’ activities, activities to be pursued only when free, not something that you strive to take time out for.
The decision to systematically include such activities in my schedule makes me feel important as well. Look at me! I’m so adult, so grown-up! I’m not wasting time on useless things like stalking people on Facebook (okay, I must admit I still do that) or playing video games!
I read an interview of Umberto Eco once, and he said that he manages to accomplish so many things because he fills in minutes that would otherwise go waste. So if he’s expecting a guest, and he’s waiting for them to come, he’ll still get something done in those few minutes. One minute at a time, and you end up saving hours!

2. So I’ve got Adobe Illustrator, I’ve got Adobe Photoshop, and I will learn designing!

3. I joined a photography game (complete with deadlines and all) so that I actively incorporate more photography into my life. Photography is important to me. I want to be good at it. It may come across as thinking too highly of myself, but I honestly think I’m a good photographer already. Where I lose out is on not practicing it more often. The more you practice, the better you become, right? I have a natural talent for taking good photos, a good eye for what makes a good photo, but unless I see others’ works, learn from them, unless I advance my current capabilities, I will stagnate. Photography isn’t just knowing how to take good photos of things that exist (that is a good thing to know though), it also involves designing a photograph. You don’t just capture beauty, you create it. I’ve seen so many good photos of absolutely ordinary things. It’s the way that the photo is taken that makes those objects a visual treat.

I must make most of the photographing opportunities that I get. In fact, I must create more opportunities for myself, they won’t come strolling around on the street, now will they?

4. I blogged previously about my IMDB Top 250 Movies efforts. I’ve advanced it slightly. Now that I have slightly more time, I will be able to advance it more, hopefully.

5. I applied for an internship in one of the most prestigious universities in the world. I worked quite hard for that. And if I may say so, I think I wrote a good application. It just remains to be seen how well it is compared to the other applications. This thing had been keeping me busy for the past few days. I would sleep at 4 am, try to squeeze in more work on that in the day, as well as keep up with my academic schedule. I’m really glad I’m done with it, and I’m happy with what I submitted. It represents a fair amount of work on my part, and I never thought I’d write it that well in the beginning, so I have crossed my own expectations already.
Even if I don’t get selected, I will still be happy with my application, knowing fully well that I really couldn’t have written it any better.

6. Baking: yes, I bake. I haven’t found time for it so far since it requires a good few hours free together, and recently that internship application had been keeping me very busy. Tomorrow, I leave for a college trip. But after that, I have 2-3 days off, so I will try my hand at that then.

7. Writing, of course. I haven’t blogged much, but I did write a short story after a very long time. It’s a good one, given how badly I was stagnating. Though obviously it’s not great. I’m not happy with it, just merely satisfied for having found time among everything else to write a half-decent piece that is, for a change, complete! I love writing short stories, I intend to write more of those. Fantasy stories with unexpected endings are what I like writing best.

That is all for now. I must bathe, then pack for the trip. We’re leaving at 3 am tomorrow! It shall be fun. A road trip. 😀

January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

So, are you still alive? Did the world end 11 months and 21 days from now, or is it still rolling around in the vast darkness of space?
What happened exactly? Did the world implode or did everyone just turn to dust one fine day?

To be honest, I want the world to end.
And to be even more honest, I don’t think it will.
I just don’t believe in it.
But there are two sides of the coin to that:
1. If you believe the world will end someday in the near future, then the struggle to make the world a better place to live in will be abandoned, and everyone will run about on the streets like drunken hooligans. There will be no more point in looking at the big picture, or in planning ahead.
2. If you believe the world will end someday in the near future, you will live the way you want to live, you will not live the way you are forced to live. You will really, really live, and when your life ends, you will die without any regrets. Even if the world doesn’t end, we will all die someday and no one really knows how soon that will be.

It’s been almost a day now, since the year has begun.
I don’t have any new year resolutions. I don’t understand why certain days in the year are given so much importance for no reason. 1st January for example. What’s special about that? Some guy decided it should mark the beginning of a new year, but it doesn’t have to mean a fresh start for us. A fresh start could be when you finally move on after a broken relationship; it can be when you shift to a new country and start your life afresh; it could be marked by the end of, say, your school years; it can be when you join a new job, or when you look for a new career stream. Those are more meaningful units for measuring the different periods our life anyway.

It could be a brand new haircut! And starting a new semester in college. And kinda dreading the reactions to said haircut.

That’s how you looked, once upon a time, when you decided to try a new hairstyle.

Love
Past Me

December 25, 2011

We Can Dance Until We Die

by thebirdieflies

 

I like this photo. It’s of me and A.

The title is from the song Teenage Dream, by Katy Perry. I like Katy Perry too (‘too’ as in, apart from this photo). She is so pretty and sparkly and I love the stuff she wears.

I like my ankles.

There’s no point to this post. I am happy and I feel colourful. I will bake cakes.

P.S. I have 11 days (including the rest of today) left of my teen age. Do the math and don’t forget to wish me on my birthday.

December 13, 2011

Loony Lunar Ramblings

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Once upon a time, you joined this astronomy group in your city and stayed up the whole night watching a lunar eclipse. You saw how the moon was covered slowly and slowly by a brownish shadow, and how, when it was almost entirely covered, the moon was still visible, but it appeared red.

You then went for a walk at 5 am that morning with A, in search of some food.

Had you known at that time that you would fall in love with him? You knew that a walk of more than 2 kms lay ahead of you, that you had a growling stomach, that the roads were dark, lonely and not altogether very safe. You walked and you walked and you never realised any of that, because you were with him. Were you conscious of how safe and loved he always made you feel, even though you were nothing more than friends at that time?

Now, when I see the moon at night, when I see it in its full glory, all white, opalescent and big, I am reminded of how tiny we are. The moon is held up in space with nothing but a force field of gravity. We are held up with nothing more than the same. The moon is so huge, that it’s beyond comprehension. Entire human cities would fit in one of those little spots of gray.

Space is so beautiful. There’s no air, there’s no noise, there’s nobody. Light is nothing but immense heat and night is nothing but freezing to death quicker than you can say space. Human problems like poverty, corruption, love, betrayal, terrorism, none of it means anything there. If nature means surviving, then space means existing, for time periods So long, that we cannot measure them in our lifespans.

Space is beautiful.

You are too. Remember that. Your lifespan is but a little blip in time. Don’t waste any of it being depressed.

Love,

Past Me

November 16, 2011

Shiver

by thebirdieflies

That song was part of the movie’s soundtrack. The movie I was watching.

That song.

It hit me. I shivered.

It used to be my alarm tone because it woke me up like a little nudge, like a soft voice calling my name.
It used to be R’s alarm tone too.
I remember he said he would wake up every morning and be lulled back to sleep, dreaming of me.
I wouldn’t be lulled back to sleep because I would extricate my phone from under my pillow and I would read the messages he had left for me.
I would stay in bed for a few minutes, messaging him, unwilling to face the cold mornings, unwilling to let go of my warm blanket, unwilling to stop talking to him.
It was late winter, those days. The mornings were cold, the beds were seductive.

He loved me.
It hurts to think that I hurt him.
A, no matter how much I like him, no matter how much I think I might love him, and no matter how well we get along, doesn’t love me. Yet.

I played the song right now.
I had to pause because it made me incredibly sad.

Do I miss R?
I don’t know.
How could I miss him? Have I forgotten all those fights, all those arguments, all those things that came in our way until we couldn’t be together any longer? I had moved on from him. I was the one who grew bored of him. How could I be the one who misses him?
I saw him a month back.
He was smiling. I don’t know if he saw me.

Sometimes I wish I could be as sure of things with A as I was with R.

Sometimes I wonder if everything has been a huge mistake.

Sometimes I see things the way R used to see and the way I never saw. And I feel really bad.
I feel guilty, and I don’t know how to let go of that guilt.

Imagine someone you love a lot. Imagine him (or her) slowly drifting away from you, spending more time away from you, hanging out with others more and with you less. Imagine him not understanding what you are saying, imagine him getting closer and closer to another girl and you can see in front of your eyes that he is growing more distant and there is nothing you can do about it.
I tell myself that I never allowed myself to like A while I was still with R.
I know that I never looked at A as anything more than a friend, giving everything I could give to the relationship with R.
I know that, and I firmly believe that.
But I can’t deny that I grew closer and closer to A, even if it was only as a friend, until A mattered a lot more than R did.
He was, still, a friend.
But he was a close friend.
Someone I got along with better.
And in retrospect, I don’t know what I really liked about R.
But I can’t deny that I loved him, even if it wasn’t as much as he loved me.

I don’t want to give this any more thought.
I have moved on from R, and I like A now. The guilt, that can’t be helped. I shall have to live with it.
And the uncertainties about everything with A will simply have to resolve themselves.

November 16, 2011

I Like

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

What do you like about what you are doing? Do you like your life? Your job? Do you get to do the stuff you want to do? Do you bake occasionally? Photograph? Play with colours? Write short stories? Travel?
What do you like about who you are? Are you comfortable with the way you are, or do you feel a need to change yourself? Do you think you aren’t as good a person as you should be? Do you take people for granted? Are you not honest with yourself and with the people you love? How’s it going with the parents?

I will tell you what I like about myself.
I like that I am a very honest person. I find it difficult to tell lies, but then again, I don’t think I have to (well, mostly) because I don’t think I do anything wrong.
I think one needs to be convinced in the correct-ness of what one is doing, because otherwise, one will never be able to do it. And if I am convinced that I am right, then I don’t need to be ashamed of it, right?
Sometimes I lie to avoid confrontation resulting from a difference in opinion.

I like that I try to keep an open mind. I realise the subtle difference between trying to, and actually doing it. I realise that I’m not always successful. But the ‘trying to’ part ensures that I keep asking relevant questions that prevent my brain from closing up.

I like that I have low expectations from people. The way it works is, if I start building expectations, they will one day soar so high that no one will be able to fulfil them. Then my expectations won’t be met and I will be utterly and sorely depressed. So, I keep my expectations low. That way, even the littlest things seem surprising and amazing and I love people all the more for it.

Aaand, I like my legs. Haha.

Love,
Past Me With Ze Sexeh Legs