Archive for ‘family’

April 3, 2014

Dream

by thebirdieflies

What I wouldn’t give for all of this to be an extremely cruel, extremely elaborate April Fools’ prank.

Or a bad, bad, feels-too-real kind of dream. It certainly feels dream-like, at times.

What I wouldn’t give to turn back time. Just one week.

And I can see why owning the Resurrection Stone would drive someone crazy.

Sometimes I imagine my grandparents, reunited finally, quarreling away to glory over board games’ rules somewhere.

But this only exists in my memories now.

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August 27, 2013

It Has Been a While

by thebirdieflies

It really has, hasn’t it? I even forgot what to type into my browser today, when I decided at last to tell my blog readers that I am indeed alive and kicking.

A lot has happened in the past three, four, five, months.

My on again, off again relationship with A has finally stabilized to an ‘off’ state. And I found a way to be okay with that.

I have more or less decided on what I want to do with life. I have decided that perhaps pursuing a PhD is really what I want to do, apart from trekking and photography and baking.  Towards that end, I gave the GRE and did pretty well by most standards. But, maybe it’s not time for a PhD right now, maybe after a few years, once I’m certain that I can produce some original research.

I made a new set of incredible friends, and somehow fell in love with them. That also made me resolve to try hard to make my other friendships stronger.

I lost one of my grandmothers. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that I will never see her again. I don’t know how to.

I stayed in a new city for two months, and fell in love with it. I’m back home now, but memories of the amazing times I had there will stay with me forever.

I don’t know if I will be blogging regularly. I am trying to cut out crap from my life, such as extended periods of Facebooking, in order to make time for more meaningful things. It will be my last year in college, and I want to spend it such that when I go away, I will miss the place. I realized recently that missing a place, or people doesn’t mean that you lost something – it means that you lost something that, for a while, made your life really amazing. It is better to love wildly and lose a part of you and hurt badly, than to move through life without feeling anything, neither hurt, nor pure happiness.

April 8, 2013

Confrontations

by thebirdieflies

I dislike confrontations. I’m not good at them.

Either I will become really defensive, or I will become really offensive.

Diplomacy doesn’t come easy to me.

Recently my applications for an internship at two places got selected. One is at an educational institute, and another is in the industry. One provides accommodation and a better stipend and the other doesn’t.

Doesn’t take much to guess which is which, but I’ll make it easier: The educational institute won’t provide me accommodation and will pay me a measly stipend.

So I had a “confrontation” with dad about going there. He ended up yelling at me over the phone that he dislikes that option entirely, that he dislikes that I will go somewhere without any support whatsoever neither monetary, nor infrastructural. Valid points for a parent, yes. But just because so far I’ve always stayed in the same city that I grew up in doesn’t mean I will always, and someday or the other, sooner or later, he will have to face this situation again. Of course, this confrontation has, since then, been making me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

I thought I would at least be congratulated for getting through at a well known, well respected institute, but all I’ve met with is disapproval.

I’ll stop with the self pity for now and go do something useful.

March 29, 2013

Of Problems With Parents

by thebirdieflies

I don’t have an easy relationship with my parents.

For one, I feel like I’m always being judged.
For two, I feel like dad doesn’t want to listen to anyone but himself.

Sometimes I feel guilty for thinking this way about him.
I want to be able to forget and move on.
I know that I’ve not yet succeeded in having a mature conversation about this (not even with myself).
I quite frequently find myself being bitter about it.

That means
I find it difficult to talk to my parents
And, I find myself generally being bitter, and emo around them.

I don’t know what to do.

July 3, 2012

Protected: Independence

by thebirdieflies

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