Archive for ‘best friends’

May 27, 2012

Protected: Memories

by thebirdieflies

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May 8, 2012

Protected: Questions to my Future Self

by thebirdieflies

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November 16, 2011

Shiver

by thebirdieflies

That song was part of the movie’s soundtrack. The movie I was watching.

That song.

It hit me. I shivered.

It used to be my alarm tone because it woke me up like a little nudge, like a soft voice calling my name.
It used to be R’s alarm tone too.
I remember he said he would wake up every morning and be lulled back to sleep, dreaming of me.
I wouldn’t be lulled back to sleep because I would extricate my phone from under my pillow and I would read the messages he had left for me.
I would stay in bed for a few minutes, messaging him, unwilling to face the cold mornings, unwilling to let go of my warm blanket, unwilling to stop talking to him.
It was late winter, those days. The mornings were cold, the beds were seductive.

He loved me.
It hurts to think that I hurt him.
A, no matter how much I like him, no matter how much I think I might love him, and no matter how well we get along, doesn’t love me. Yet.

I played the song right now.
I had to pause because it made me incredibly sad.

Do I miss R?
I don’t know.
How could I miss him? Have I forgotten all those fights, all those arguments, all those things that came in our way until we couldn’t be together any longer? I had moved on from him. I was the one who grew bored of him. How could I be the one who misses him?
I saw him a month back.
He was smiling. I don’t know if he saw me.

Sometimes I wish I could be as sure of things with A as I was with R.

Sometimes I wonder if everything has been a huge mistake.

Sometimes I see things the way R used to see and the way I never saw. And I feel really bad.
I feel guilty, and I don’t know how to let go of that guilt.

Imagine someone you love a lot. Imagine him (or her) slowly drifting away from you, spending more time away from you, hanging out with others more and with you less. Imagine him not understanding what you are saying, imagine him getting closer and closer to another girl and you can see in front of your eyes that he is growing more distant and there is nothing you can do about it.
I tell myself that I never allowed myself to like A while I was still with R.
I know that I never looked at A as anything more than a friend, giving everything I could give to the relationship with R.
I know that, and I firmly believe that.
But I can’t deny that I grew closer and closer to A, even if it was only as a friend, until A mattered a lot more than R did.
He was, still, a friend.
But he was a close friend.
Someone I got along with better.
And in retrospect, I don’t know what I really liked about R.
But I can’t deny that I loved him, even if it wasn’t as much as he loved me.

I don’t want to give this any more thought.
I have moved on from R, and I like A now. The guilt, that can’t be helped. I shall have to live with it.
And the uncertainties about everything with A will simply have to resolve themselves.

November 8, 2011

About A Boy

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Have I told you about A?
He is the most beautiful boy I know right now.
I don’t know if I love him, sometimes I think I do, but sometimes I’m not sure.
He is huge, he is more than 6 inches taller than me and he makes me feel so little and insignificant.
He says he loves me for being so little because he feels protective of me.
I like him being huge because he may be very strong and tall and able to sort out everyone, he is still a little vulnerable boy who needs me and misses me.

He has a big head full of big dark curls.
I love running my hands through his mop of curls, and inhaling his smell and feeling his heart beat when I put my head on his chest.

He has big brown eyes, and when he looks at me with his face so close to mine, I can almost look into his soul. The honesty in his eyes is disarming. It is as if he is laying himself bare in front of me because he trusts me so much, allowing me to look inside him.

He has huge hands and I keep teasing him about them, calling them his paws.
But when he holds me with those hands, I feel safe. Like nothing in the world can go wrong when I am with him.
It frightens me a little.
Why do I adore him so much?
And why do I feel guilty?

I want to hold him right now. I don’t want to think about the workload, the assignments that are due, the exams that are drawing nearer and the nearly 40-50 kms that lie between me and him. I want to hold him tight and inhale his smell and kiss him lightly all over until I drift off to sleep, listening to his slightly sped up heartbeat.

Love,
Past Me

October 1, 2011

Of How Strange It Felt

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I don’t know if this happened with you ever again, but once upon a time, you liked a boy and you liked him for a long time. You were so convinced that going out with him will be a bad idea, that you attempted to brainwash yourself into believing that he isn’t and will never be interested in you. You told yourself that it simply cannot work out. You thought about all his flaws and even when it seemed like those little flaws didn’t make a difference, you tried to make them matter (such as the fact that he acted gay. You knew he was entirely straight and just liked creeping out guys, but you forced yourself to be disgusted by his actions just so that you liked him a little less). By the end, when you finally had enough of it and told him that you like him, in order to protect yourself against rejection, you tried to force-feed yourself this “truth”, that he does not like you and nothing will ever work out. Wasn’t he only recently “in love” with his neighbour?

No, as it turned out, he wasn’t in love with her, and he had liked you for a long, long time too.
Indeed, he still liked you.

But he still wasn’t doing anything about it. You guys were still just best friends, but once in a while, an awkwardness crept up because one of you would say something inappropriate.
When you eventually had enough of it, he finally asked you out. Said he had been trying to bring himself to do it for some time now. And it took him time because he simply couldn’t figure out whether he should. Yes, that was after you had already told him that you like him! Stupid prat.

The transition from just friends to dating was a very, very strange one. At first, the fact that everything that you had always thought impossible was turning out to be possible after all, was exhilarating! You were dating the guy you had wanted to date, even though it had seemed like a lost cause! This guy really and honestly liked you, which you had never thought would be possible (indeed you made yourself believe that it wouldn’t be)! You were sending him mushy messages, after having spent a good number of months trying to hide your real feelings!
Then, even while you were trying to cope up with the fact that these extremely diverse behaviours were being exhibited by the same person, i.e., your best friend, you started losing track of what was real and what was not. You felt that these expressions of affection from him were not real because you had been so convinced that it simply couldn’t happen this way. How could he, one sudden day, decide that he really liked you?, was what you wondered.. Then, to make matters more confusing, you couldn’t figure out why your best friend was behaving like this. He wasn’t being the same best friend that you had fallen for.

But I am happy to tell you, you figured it out in the end. You even sat down and made a list of the expectations you have from each other. I will write about those shortly.
Till then,
Love,
Past Me

September 30, 2011

Of That Day

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Do you remember that day you had gone for a literature fest and your best friend, who you had liked for quite some time, had asked you out? You need to remember that feeling – the multiple belly flips when you told him that sometimes it feels like you are dating him already. And the awkwardness of the ensuing discussion. And those words that he spoke – “So, do you want to go out with me?”
The way they sounded, and the way they made your heart beat just a little faster. Then when it hit you, that you would have to tell everyone in your college because they deserved to know, and the way they would smirk and say that they knew it all along. You were afraid. He sat there and hugged you and held you till you felt better. You decided you wouldn’t tell your friends about it until the whole thing had sunk in a bit.

It isn’t as if you didn’t hope for it all along, but you hadn’t allowed yourself to consider it. You were sure that it wouldn’t work out, and you might have to lose a really good friend. But of late, you had let yourself go. You had allowed yourself to sit and think about it and imagine yourself dating that guy. You had even hoped, somewhere, that he would ask you out.

And then he did.
You’re happy now, aren’t you, that you dated him?
You were still smiling as you were writing this. You were nervous, just a little bit, but excited too, to see how it would unfold. Good times lay ahead. 🙂

Love
Past Me

September 27, 2011

Best Friends

by thebirdieflies

There is a school of thought that believes that a boy and a girl can never have an entirely platonic relationship. I am not talking about situations where the two are related, of course.
I am talking of friends, childhood friends, good friends, best friends.

I think it is scientifically justified, if you consider those things that make you like (platonically) your friend, and another boy who you like un-platonically.
Just for fun, let’s use maths to prove it.
Let x be the set of all things that make you like someone platonically and y be the set of all things that make you like someone un-platonically.
It is often observed that a considerable portion of the two sets overlap.

This makes me conclude that many of the things that we like in a person, whether we like that person platonically or not, are universal.