Archive for ‘A’

August 27, 2013

It Has Been a While

by thebirdieflies

It really has, hasn’t it? I even forgot what to type into my browser today, when I decided at last to tell my blog readers that I am indeed alive and kicking.

A lot has happened in the past three, four, five, months.

My on again, off again relationship with A has finally stabilized to an ‘off’ state. And I found a way to be okay with that.

I have more or less decided on what I want to do with life. I have decided that perhaps pursuing a PhD is really what I want to do, apart from trekking and photography and baking.  Towards that end, I gave the GRE and did pretty well by most standards. But, maybe it’s not time for a PhD right now, maybe after a few years, once I’m certain that I can produce some original research.

I made a new set of incredible friends, and somehow fell in love with them. That also made me resolve to try hard to make my other friendships stronger.

I lost one of my grandmothers. I still haven’t come to terms with the fact that I will never see her again. I don’t know how to.

I stayed in a new city for two months, and fell in love with it. I’m back home now, but memories of the amazing times I had there will stay with me forever.

I don’t know if I will be blogging regularly. I am trying to cut out crap from my life, such as extended periods of Facebooking, in order to make time for more meaningful things. It will be my last year in college, and I want to spend it such that when I go away, I will miss the place. I realized recently that missing a place, or people doesn’t mean that you lost something – it means that you lost something that, for a while, made your life really amazing. It is better to love wildly and lose a part of you and hurt badly, than to move through life without feeling anything, neither hurt, nor pure happiness.

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October 5, 2012

It’s Done

by thebirdieflies

It’s over between me and A.

I haven’t even been able to talk to anyone about it.
That’s partly why I’m blogging about it. Hah.

The reason might seem kind of lame, it sure does to me, but it had to be done nevertheless.
It just doesn’t seem right to me, in my head, to think that we’re done for good.
Not only because I allowed myself to believe everything he said, but also because well, just that.
I didn’t think it was possible that someone who promised to always be patient with me would start snapping at me for no reason.

I need patience, okay? Don’t judge me.
I feel very stupid and lame and uninteresting and I’m generally a little miserable and I’m not the best person to date, but he KNEW that and he said he’ll hang in there with me DESPITE everything. Except he refused to use the word ‘despite’, he said there’s nothing about me he doesn’t like.

Stuff’s messed up.

In my head, outside my head, everywhere.

I always get these bouts of hating myself. And A hadn’t been helping lately. Maybe I became too demanding, too high-maintenance, too whiny. I don’t know, I’m going to be like this for a while now, so you don’t have to tell me that I’m a lovely person, shouldn’t hate myself etc. I know I’m a lovely person, but I’m not feeling it right now, so I’m going to go ahead and hate myself. Boo.

I want soft, fluffy kittens and I want to bury my face in them and hug them and take care of them and talk to them.
No people for me right now.
I’m going to sleep.

P.S. I participated in a half marathon last weekend. I finished it in 3 hours 7 minutes. Weather was terrible, preparation was insufficient, and I was only aiming to complete it.

July 22, 2012

One Week More

by thebirdieflies

One week more, and A will be BACK. Whew.
At first, I hadn’t thought it was possible to survive without seeing him for so long. After about a month, I stopped fretting, mostly because of the vacation!

Almost Every time I encountered something new and exciting, I’d put it on a mental list of Things To Do With A When He’S Back.
1. Book Cafe! Technically, it’s a cafe inside the same store as a bookstore, not really a book cafe. But A Loves book cafes, in whatever form.
2. Homemade pizzas from scratch! We shall bake that together.
3. RAINBOW CAKES :’) – We shall bake that together too.
4. Trying that new cuisine – I’d actually planned to go there with another friend of mine. But when I told A about that, he threw a fit – “You don’t go ANYWHERE cool with me! You have the most awesome “dates” with OTHER people. I DEMAND TO GO THERE WITH YOU!”
So let’s see what comes of that 😛
5. Bake him a cheeeeeesecaaaaake! I recently made one that was actually very nice and edible. Still not like a good cheesecake, but closer to it that my first attempt. So of course, all my friends are Expecting that I get some for them on the first day of college. Whether that actually happens though, remains to be seen. 😛
6. The most delicious hugs will be back in town! *melts*
7. Taking him to that new Tibetan restaurant.
8. Must check out that TACO AND BURRITO BAR I spied one night, and the various ice cream parlours near that.

Well well, the last few days of my summer vacations shall be busy, but HIGHLY enjoyable and I will have my very own KINDLE.

In other news, a guy with a name similar to someone I know commented on a post and I went into major freak-out mode. At first I wondered how he got here. Then I password protected a few personal posts on this blog. Then I read that boy’s blog and I realized that it’s not the same person after all 😀

May 27, 2012

Protected: Memories

by thebirdieflies

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May 21, 2012

Remember

by thebirdieflies

To remember: Never put an expiry date on your relationship with A. It pisses him off. It’s his only biggest grouse with you. So stop being pessimistic.

Love
Present Me

May 11, 2012

A Visit to the Dentist

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

The dentist said I will need teeth scaling. My gums have been a-bleeding.

With vibrating instruments.

Run-for-your-lives.

He gave me a disgusting peroxide mouth wash that I have to use until he performs that Thing on me.

Also, what’s with my wisdom teeth? I’m 20 years old and they aren’t out yet.

I got a call yesterday from A: “I miss you so much, it hurts. Literally.”
I told him it was probably gas, but he said it’s not. Can missing people really hurt?

Love
Present Me

May 8, 2012

Protected: Questions to my Future Self

by thebirdieflies

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March 16, 2012

A Bad Day

by thebirdieflies

I was shouted at, by ‘A’ today.
I picked up his call and he shouted at me.

I hadn’t really been behaving myself. I think he even told me to ‘fuck off’ today, but I wasn’t sure I heard him properly, because he just walked off after that.

I wasn’t being nasty, you know? But I wasn’t being nice either. And I think everything just came to a head and A had to call me and shout at me.

I was shaken. A little. A bit.
Quite badly.

I apologized to him for setting him off, and he apologized to me for shouting at me.
In fact, he sorted the whole maybe-‘fuck off’-maybe-not out when he was extremely nice to me while stomach cramps slowly ate me alive from inside.
He brought me hot soup, he held the takeaway box of soup in the car because it was too full for me to hold while I ate out of it, he ran up and got me a painkiller from the college First Aid box. He was good to me. He totally made up for the maybe-‘fuck you’-maybe-not.
And then he called up and shouted at me!

Two days back, we discussed breaking up just to get some time away from each other.
He said he has changed (and so have I). He said he’s afraid he was awesome before we started dating only because he was trying to get me to like him. He said he’s afraid he’s slowly taking me for granted.

Two days back, I realized I probably don’t love him. Despite everything I’ve ever said to anyone.
It was a sad realization.
Today’s events make me wonder where we stand.
On one hand, he takes good care of me. On the other, he shouts at me when I’m least expecting it and alarms me badly.
On one hand, he loves me (or so he says). On the other, I don’t.

February 5, 2012

Algorithms

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

You know how you used to not want to do something but unwillingly gave in because you thought the other person seemed to have something of a point?
Well, A designed an algorithm and I’m writing it down here because you should try your best to remember it and apply it.
I must say, his algorithm is pretty fair.

For x being something that you don’t want to do,
Consider:
Is it something that affects you?
Do you want to do it?
If the first answer is yes and the second answer is not yes (it may be ‘maybe’), then don’t do it.

It’s that simple.
A blanket ban on anything that you aren’t comfortable doing.
Not comfortable getting a lift from strangers?
Not comfortable going to that party?
Not comfortable wearing the clothes you’re wearing?
Not comfortable eating that shady looking piece of meat?
Just don’t do it! It’s that simple.

I believe this applies quite heavily in relationships.
And in fact, certain events that transpired in my relationship with R were just what led to A designing this algorithm for me. No regrets, no hard feelings against the other person.

Love
Past Me

January 11, 2012

Lost

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I am lost.
I hope you aren’t.

I’m sitting on my bed, my phone to my ear, listening to A talk about why our college is Amazing.
It doesn’t make sense. Any of it.
It’s bouncing around in my head, his words. They don’t seem to be of any relevance to me.

I hope you manage to figure your way out of it.

Love,
Past Me