by thebirdieflies

Too much work. I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and I don’t think anyone is the slightest bit sympathetic towards it. Definitely not my parents. All my dad cares about is good grades and he probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I went crazy trying to achieve them.

I’ve been falling apart far too easily if things won’t go the way I want them to go. And lately, nothing has been going my way. I have to write a speech, and I’ve been trying to contact the person who did it last year but she’s not fucking responding. I can’t write a speech when I’m cranky and I want good food and I want to sleep without worrying about the next deadline. I can’t go home because the journey will cost me precious hours of either sleep or work and I need both. I wanted to play table tennis yesterday but nobody would let me have a turn and I had been waiting for quite some time and they just kept saying, “After this game, after this game”, and I know I sound like a crybaby writing this, and that makes me feel worse.


Everything is so rotten right now.

I wanted to order in something, but nobody else would. I didn’t want to eat the food that is available here, so I’ll just not eat now because there’s nothing to fucking eat that makes me Want to eat it.

If A were here, he would’ve ordered in with me, but he isn’t, he’s sick, he’s home. He’s offered to write my speech for me, but we have more important fucking things to doooo. Why would anyone waste their time on a stupid fucking speech?

I want to be left alone. I’m afraid I’ll snap at everyone if they say anything to me. I want things my way, for a change. I want good food to be brought to me on a plate while I watch some TV shows, or a movie or two.

I wish I had transportation, and company, I’d go and buy a bottle or two. But there’s nobody who will go along with me, and I have no transportation and there’s nobody who I don’t fucking find irritating.

UPDATE: It seems like this post and the one-hour-long cry accompanying it was cathartic, because after writing it, I started feeling much better, so I went ahead and completed the speech because I was certainly not upto programming shit or reading research papers again (the stuff that I said is more important than writing that stupid speech). I ate something too, although it was more out of easy availability than actually wanting to eat it. It’s like eating a lot of chips. After a point, you’re just mechanically stuffing your mouth without really relishing what you’re eating. I also had a long chat with a good friend. I’ve still not completely recovered, but at least I’m not as frustrated, irritated, crabby, cranky, sobby and ready-to-combust as I was earlier.


7 Comments to “Meltdown”

  1. I would split a bottle or two with you.
    Love this entry.
    Makes me think that you’re not such a pleasant mannered civilian after all. 🙂

  2. I sure hope you don’t find my comment to your post irritating, but i see that you and I are a part of the same boat. Until a few days back I too was going through bad days; my relationship was falling apart, bad grades, bad (intra-coll) games, everything bad bad bad.. but by the end i was so fucking pissed.. i just told myself.. CHILL MAR.. ur girlfriend is going away?? chill mar.. u stop killing urself over it.. bad grades?? chill mar.. next time!!! bad games??? you weren’t that great anyway!!! CHILL MAR!!!

    All I am saying is, let it go.. no matter what happens… just let it go.. let your head be clear of it..

    Once I started doing this.. problems with me and my girlfriend started disappearing since i just let go of whatever I do not like about her… since that does not piss me off anymore.. we are getting better again… since I feel better.. I’m getting better at my studies too… and so on…

    Ok, After typing all of this I just realized my case is completely irrelevant to what yours :p :p… but at the end.. just let it go… I know you know all of this… but putting the theory into practice is what counts…

    And one of those poets have said na, Robert Frost I think :p, If winter is here, spring cant be far behind… Dont let your head be crowded with negativities.. blow every bad thought from your head away and look forward to the future.. Coz there will be a sun shining at the end of every dark and lonely path (I wrote this.. :p :P)

    • Thanks for your extremely sunny comment.
      I don’t know if your philosophy can work equally well for me, because I find it hard to just let go. Things can either affect me or they don’t affect me. If they affect me once, it is hard for me to chill and take it in my stride. The best I can do is do it better next time, or prevent the bad stuff from affecting me next time.

      I am glad your philosophy worked for you, and that everything in your life started improving. But sometimes I think it’s a good thing to let something affect you badly enough to be determined not to let it happen again and thus do it way, way better the next time round. 😀
      But of course, whatever works for one might not work for the other. It’s great that you figured out what works for you!

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