It’s Done

by thebirdieflies

It’s over between me and A.

I haven’t even been able to talk to anyone about it.
That’s partly why I’m blogging about it. Hah.

The reason might seem kind of lame, it sure does to me, but it had to be done nevertheless.
It just doesn’t seem right to me, in my head, to think that we’re done for good.
Not only because I allowed myself to believe everything he said, but also because well, just that.
I didn’t think it was possible that someone who promised to always be patient with me would start snapping at me for no reason.

I need patience, okay? Don’t judge me.
I feel very stupid and lame and uninteresting and I’m generally a little miserable and I’m not the best person to date, but he KNEW that and he said he’ll hang in there with me DESPITE everything. Except he refused to use the word ‘despite’, he said there’s nothing about me he doesn’t like.

Stuff’s messed up.

In my head, outside my head, everywhere.

I always get these bouts of hating myself. And A hadn’t been helping lately. Maybe I became too demanding, too high-maintenance, too whiny. I don’t know, I’m going to be like this for a while now, so you don’t have to tell me that I’m a lovely person, shouldn’t hate myself etc. I know I’m a lovely person, but I’m not feeling it right now, so I’m going to go ahead and hate myself. Boo.

I want soft, fluffy kittens and I want to bury my face in them and hug them and take care of them and talk to them.
No people for me right now.
I’m going to sleep.

P.S. I participated in a half marathon last weekend. I finished it in 3 hours 7 minutes. Weather was terrible, preparation was insufficient, and I was only aiming to complete it.


9 Comments to “It’s Done”

  1. 😦
    …someone that promised to be there and goes ahead and disappoints is one of the most upsetting things I have gone through. It’s hard not to develop expectations when you’re that close… I think that’s what makes it worse…
    Hang in there champ… Give some kittens kisses from me too… *hugs*

    • To be fair, it wasn’t just him though, even I was beginning to take him for granted. In the end, things got more complicated than I could deal with.

      Thanks for the comment – I’m terrible at saying the right things to obviously distressed people, I think it’s a very difficult thing to do 😐
      And your comment does it pretty well 🙂

      No kittens. I wish I had kittens. Will you gift me a soft fluffy kitten? 😀

  2. Girlfriend, so sorry for my absence, especially during your time of need. I was submerged into a project. But whatever. No excuse. I’m sorry.

    I think you should be doing yoga and drinking martinis and cuddling kittens. That is what you need. How are you doing? And fuck A.

    • It is so good to see your comment! Ever since you shifted to your new blog, I stopped receiving notifications for your posts and it seemed like you had disappeared entirely!

      You know, I fully agree. I need to be doing yoga, drinking martinis and cuddling kittens and puppies. 😦

      I’m fine, I talked things out with A, all mature and adult-like. I’m not sure what our status is, though. Being in the same class as each other and being best friends despite a break-up tends to complicate things. (And I still kind of like him *sheepish grin*)

      Best of luck with your new project. I’m sure it will be a success, like your projects usually are 😀

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