by thebirdieflies

After thinking over the title of the post a few times, the letters stopped making sense so now I’m no longer sure if  ‘shaken’ is really a word. My instinct says yes, it is. But my brain can only see it is as s-h-a-k-e-n which is not a word, it’s a chain of letters which sounds like kraken (to my brain). Gah.

I’m shaken, in case you were wondering.

One of my basic building blocks of personal philosophy has crumbled to dust and I’m having a hard time trying to make sense of the world without it.

I am usually a very happy person.

I used to believe, that, if you don’t have expectations, you aren’t disappointed. That is true, of course.
That kept my expectations from spiraling out of control. If you don’t expect to get a good grade, you’ll be happy with an average one.
If you’re okay with your friends not calling you up all the time, you won’t get mad at them if they don’t.
If you don’t expect your boyfriend to make you a card for you on your birthday, you’ll be actually pleasantly surprised by his scrawls on a piece of scrap paper.

Except that it didn’t really happen. I would be happy enough with an average grade, but not if I knew that I could’ve done better. I was NOT okay with my friends forgetting about me and moving on. I was especially mad at the crap birthday card. But as long as this philosophy existed, one side of my brain perpetually tried to convince the other that my friends had a life of their own, that I was probably not interesting to them anymore, that I knew R doesn’t like to make birthday cards but he still did make something. Etc.

Over the last two years, I’ve come to terms with a newer philosophy – that of wanting.
I was told by someone that it is okay to want stuff.
That it is okay to want something you might not be able to get.
That you shouldn’t just want and want, you should work towards it too.

It is something I did anyway, in places. But it was never part of the big picture. There was always the other side of my brain that would try to convince me that I should appreciate what I have.

I do appreciate what I have, but if we don’t want something better, we will never get to a better place. On the other hand, if we keep wanting more and more, we might keep forgetting to live in the present. How does that make sense? Is there a threshold value for wanting? Are there things which are simply not acceptable, things which we simply can’t live with?

I mean, of course there are. If you’re getting raped, you can’t just stop trying to break free even if you know that it is useless. If you’re in a situation where your basic rights are being ignored, you can’t just accept it and say ‘Well, it could have been worse’, but what about the situations in the middle? What about feeling mad at your friend and you don’t want to bring it up because it might not result in anything and might make him mad and ruin your friendship?

I have got to interrupt this and go, I have two exams tomorrow that require studying.
But I intend to come back and write more. 😀


One Comment to “Shaken”

  1. personally, i hate confrontational things and I’ll usually pretend all is well and reduce my interaction with people that let me down.
    Then omelette and I went out and I realized it wasn’t really healthy. when he had an issue with something he’d mention it. I, on the other hand, will get mad and not say a word. and he told me once… that what i complain about matters to him… he can’t promise to change completely but he would never purposely do something that hurts me and if he knew, it’d help him not do that.
    so, i feel if someone matters enough for their actions to hurt it’s cool to sit them down and tell them what not…
    hope your exams were good oh…

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