Archive for October, 2012

October 18, 2012

Meltdown

by thebirdieflies

Too much work. I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and I don’t think anyone is the slightest bit sympathetic towards it. Definitely not my parents. All my dad cares about is good grades and he probably wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I went crazy trying to achieve them.

I’ve been falling apart far too easily if things won’t go the way I want them to go. And lately, nothing has been going my way. I have to write a speech, and I’ve been trying to contact the person who did it last year but she’s not fucking responding. I can’t write a speech when I’m cranky and I want good food and I want to sleep without worrying about the next deadline. I can’t go home because the journey will cost me precious hours of either sleep or work and I need both. I wanted to play table tennis yesterday but nobody would let me have a turn and I had been waiting for quite some time and they just kept saying, “After this game, after this game”, and I know I sound like a crybaby writing this, and that makes me feel worse.

THE FUCKING TOUCHPAD ON MY LAPTOP IS NOT WORKING NOW.

Everything is so rotten right now.

I wanted to order in something, but nobody else would. I didn’t want to eat the food that is available here, so I’ll just not eat now because there’s nothing to fucking eat that makes me Want to eat it.

If A were here, he would’ve ordered in with me, but he isn’t, he’s sick, he’s home. He’s offered to write my speech for me, but we have more important fucking things to doooo. Why would anyone waste their time on a stupid fucking speech?

I want to be left alone. I’m afraid I’ll snap at everyone if they say anything to me. I want things my way, for a change. I want good food to be brought to me on a plate while I watch some TV shows, or a movie or two.

I wish I had transportation, and company, I’d go and buy a bottle or two. But there’s nobody who will go along with me, and I have no transportation and there’s nobody who I don’t fucking find irritating.

UPDATE: It seems like this post and the one-hour-long cry accompanying it was cathartic, because after writing it, I started feeling much better, so I went ahead and completed the speech because I was certainly not upto programming shit or reading research papers again (the stuff that I said is more important than writing that stupid speech). I ate something too, although it was more out of easy availability than actually wanting to eat it. It’s like eating a lot of chips. After a point, you’re just mechanically stuffing your mouth without really relishing what you’re eating. I also had a long chat with a good friend. I’ve still not completely recovered, but at least I’m not as frustrated, irritated, crabby, cranky, sobby and ready-to-combust as I was earlier.

Advertisements
October 5, 2012

It’s Done

by thebirdieflies

It’s over between me and A.

I haven’t even been able to talk to anyone about it.
That’s partly why I’m blogging about it. Hah.

The reason might seem kind of lame, it sure does to me, but it had to be done nevertheless.
It just doesn’t seem right to me, in my head, to think that we’re done for good.
Not only because I allowed myself to believe everything he said, but also because well, just that.
I didn’t think it was possible that someone who promised to always be patient with me would start snapping at me for no reason.

I need patience, okay? Don’t judge me.
I feel very stupid and lame and uninteresting and I’m generally a little miserable and I’m not the best person to date, but he KNEW that and he said he’ll hang in there with me DESPITE everything. Except he refused to use the word ‘despite’, he said there’s nothing about me he doesn’t like.

Stuff’s messed up.

In my head, outside my head, everywhere.

I always get these bouts of hating myself. And A hadn’t been helping lately. Maybe I became too demanding, too high-maintenance, too whiny. I don’t know, I’m going to be like this for a while now, so you don’t have to tell me that I’m a lovely person, shouldn’t hate myself etc. I know I’m a lovely person, but I’m not feeling it right now, so I’m going to go ahead and hate myself. Boo.

I want soft, fluffy kittens and I want to bury my face in them and hug them and take care of them and talk to them.
No people for me right now.
I’m going to sleep.

P.S. I participated in a half marathon last weekend. I finished it in 3 hours 7 minutes. Weather was terrible, preparation was insufficient, and I was only aiming to complete it.

October 3, 2012

Shaken

by thebirdieflies

After thinking over the title of the post a few times, the letters stopped making sense so now I’m no longer sure if  ‘shaken’ is really a word. My instinct says yes, it is. But my brain can only see it is as s-h-a-k-e-n which is not a word, it’s a chain of letters which sounds like kraken (to my brain). Gah.

I’m shaken, in case you were wondering.

One of my basic building blocks of personal philosophy has crumbled to dust and I’m having a hard time trying to make sense of the world without it.

I am usually a very happy person.

I used to believe, that, if you don’t have expectations, you aren’t disappointed. That is true, of course.
That kept my expectations from spiraling out of control. If you don’t expect to get a good grade, you’ll be happy with an average one.
If you’re okay with your friends not calling you up all the time, you won’t get mad at them if they don’t.
If you don’t expect your boyfriend to make you a card for you on your birthday, you’ll be actually pleasantly surprised by his scrawls on a piece of scrap paper.

Except that it didn’t really happen. I would be happy enough with an average grade, but not if I knew that I could’ve done better. I was NOT okay with my friends forgetting about me and moving on. I was especially mad at the crap birthday card. But as long as this philosophy existed, one side of my brain perpetually tried to convince the other that my friends had a life of their own, that I was probably not interesting to them anymore, that I knew R doesn’t like to make birthday cards but he still did make something. Etc.

Over the last two years, I’ve come to terms with a newer philosophy – that of wanting.
I was told by someone that it is okay to want stuff.
That it is okay to want something you might not be able to get.
That you shouldn’t just want and want, you should work towards it too.

It is something I did anyway, in places. But it was never part of the big picture. There was always the other side of my brain that would try to convince me that I should appreciate what I have.

I do appreciate what I have, but if we don’t want something better, we will never get to a better place. On the other hand, if we keep wanting more and more, we might keep forgetting to live in the present. How does that make sense? Is there a threshold value for wanting? Are there things which are simply not acceptable, things which we simply can’t live with?

I mean, of course there are. If you’re getting raped, you can’t just stop trying to break free even if you know that it is useless. If you’re in a situation where your basic rights are being ignored, you can’t just accept it and say ‘Well, it could have been worse’, but what about the situations in the middle? What about feeling mad at your friend and you don’t want to bring it up because it might not result in anything and might make him mad and ruin your friendship?

I have got to interrupt this and go, I have two exams tomorrow that require studying.
But I intend to come back and write more. 😀