by thebirdieflies

I want to sleep, and sleep and not worry about the end semester exams next week.

I don’t want to talk to that girl who annoys me for no fault of hers.

I want to hold on to A and spend hours with him.

I want to run away from home and live somewhere on my own.

I want to burst out at dad and tell him everything that he’s doing wrong, if only he were open to listening to anything I say. Instead, I just swallow my anger and hear him out and then go away without saying anything back to him. Because he just wouldn’t listen.

I wish my family weren’t so insensitive. And I wish they fussed less about me.

I wish I didn’t feel so depressed with life.

I wish I knew what to do.

I feel like running away from A and being all alone and drowning in my misery and self-pity and not talking to him.
(You see what just happened there? I wanted to hold on to A and spend hours with him, but now I want to run away from him. This has also been happening a lot of late.)

I don’t have any plans for the summer, I wish I did. I don’t want to be jobless because that will make me more depressed and my family just doesn’t understand this and dad’s so insensitive, even if he understood that I’m depressed, he would handle it in such a way that it would just make it worse. But my problems with him don’t end at this, they extend to having a problem with his opinions, his attitude and his prejudices. Sometimes I wish mom would stand up to him more. But perhaps for the same reason that I don’t, she usually keeps her quiet when it’s trivial things that set dad off.

A shouldn’t have to put up with these mood swings of mine. Yesterday during a bout of depression late at night, I told him he should break up with me because I’m no good for him. I’ve been weepy and clingy and moody and angry and depressed and I don’t think anyone deserves to have to deal with all that. I mean it’s not even A’s problem; it’s mine.

I want to get drunk.
I laugh a lot when I’m high.


6 Comments to “”

  1. i think you need some time off from your dad, A, your mum… I’ve being where you are and it took me years to realize that my parents mannerism behaviors and all are THEIR own and i’m not perfect either but if you can just get away (not runaway) spend summer with a family member or a friend and use that time to be COMPLETELY on your own. you’ll know the meaning of what it means to know and love yourself
    ps. don’t get drunk. never solves anything

  2. Apart from dad, it’s more a question of my moodiness than mom or A. If I were to go away someplace, with this kind of a weird mood that I’m in, I’d probably just lie around getting even more depressed. I dunno, I’m just guessing. :/

    Drinking doesn’t solve anything, it’s a temporary fix I was looking for. Better than cutting yourself, wouldn’t you say? 😛

  3. Why was your poison? Wine or gin? 🙂

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