Of Learning

by thebirdieflies

Sometime back, I had written about how I used to cut myself.

I thought I was over it. It had been long since I’d used that way out again.

But the last week taught me that I hadn’t really, no. I had found other ways to vent my anger, I had found other distractions. But when I have none of those, it’s back to that same piece of glass.
Nothing had changed.

Or had it?
This time, I was mad, so mad, that I wanted to throw things about, I wanted to destroy the phone that I was clutching in my hand, I wanted to smash things, break things.
I wanted to, but I did nothing of that sort.
I chose to hurt myself.

At first I was worried that this old piece of glass could infect me, so I didn’t cut deep. Just a scratch on my legs.
Then I looked at my legs. The old scars had faded, but they were still there. I could make out the criss-cross lines of the past. All of a sudden, I didn’t want to add more.
I still needed it, though. So I swiped the glass across my thigh twice until blood came out, just a little bit, then I put it away.
Just a scratch.
Because I like my legs and I didn’t want to scar them.

Something had changed after all.

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2 Comments to “Of Learning”

  1. I love that last line.

    I’m like this with laxatives… Whenever I take them I feel like nothing has changed… but when your attitude surrounding it has changed… then I think the situation HAS changed. You may not be there yet, but you’re on your way… you know?

    I think the realization that you don’t want to scar yourself is so powerful. It’s a sign of respect, in a way.

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