Archive for April, 2012

April 25, 2012

Guess what, I won an award!

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Look, look, I won an award. It’s this blog’s first. I am extremely proud.

According to the rules, I must link it back to the person who awarded it to me, and then, nominate 6 more bloggers.

Well, I have tried to link it back to the awardee, The Drunk Archer (there, if the above image hyperlink doesn’t work, this one surely will).
And I’m going to say something about her, because this is my blog and I can! 😀
I don’t quite remember how I found her blog, but what made me hit the Follow button was:
1. She wrote with a lot of wit.
2. She is the only blogger among the the ones I currently follow who is around my age. Or at least, nearEST (since the concept of near is relative. The moon is *near* to earth on the cosmic scale, but still too far for most of us to visit). And she writes about stuff I can really relate to!
3. She posts frequently enough.
4. I like reading what she writes.

I don’t follow too many blogs at the moment, so I might not be able to come up with 6 nominees. 😐
And the nominees ARE…!

1. The Drunk Archer – For all of the above reasons and more! Though this might be cheating under the rules of the award, but bah who cares! 😀
2. Nicole – I may not always agree with what she writes, but it is interesting to read the opposite point-of-view sometimes. Plus, she’s an objectivist (which I like), and her dog’s really cute.
3. Skipping Stones – Lighthearted posts, interesting quotes and photos! Hah.
4. Mehernaz – She’s forgotten to write to me, perhaps this will remind her I exist. I wish she blogged more often. I told A about her emailing me and I read out my favourite parts to him. He didn’t believe I was Not reading out My reply because he said it sounded a lot like how I used to write earlier. :’)

Lots of love
Past Me
P.S. I gave this some thought, and I figured that it should be ‘Present Me’. Because I’m writing in the present and addressing it to someone in the future. Either I address it to the present, then it would be by someone in the past; but not this past/future limbo (in fact, the part between past and future IS the present).

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April 19, 2012

by thebirdieflies

I want to sleep, and sleep and not worry about the end semester exams next week.

I don’t want to talk to that girl who annoys me for no fault of hers.

I want to hold on to A and spend hours with him.

I want to run away from home and live somewhere on my own.

I want to burst out at dad and tell him everything that he’s doing wrong, if only he were open to listening to anything I say. Instead, I just swallow my anger and hear him out and then go away without saying anything back to him. Because he just wouldn’t listen.

I wish my family weren’t so insensitive. And I wish they fussed less about me.

I wish I didn’t feel so depressed with life.

I wish I knew what to do.

I feel like running away from A and being all alone and drowning in my misery and self-pity and not talking to him.
(You see what just happened there? I wanted to hold on to A and spend hours with him, but now I want to run away from him. This has also been happening a lot of late.)

I don’t have any plans for the summer, I wish I did. I don’t want to be jobless because that will make me more depressed and my family just doesn’t understand this and dad’s so insensitive, even if he understood that I’m depressed, he would handle it in such a way that it would just make it worse. But my problems with him don’t end at this, they extend to having a problem with his opinions, his attitude and his prejudices. Sometimes I wish mom would stand up to him more. But perhaps for the same reason that I don’t, she usually keeps her quiet when it’s trivial things that set dad off.

A shouldn’t have to put up with these mood swings of mine. Yesterday during a bout of depression late at night, I told him he should break up with me because I’m no good for him. I’ve been weepy and clingy and moody and angry and depressed and I don’t think anyone deserves to have to deal with all that. I mean it’s not even A’s problem; it’s mine.

I want to get drunk.
I laugh a lot when I’m high.

April 7, 2012

Of Learning

by thebirdieflies

Sometime back, I had written about how I used to cut myself.

I thought I was over it. It had been long since I’d used that way out again.

But the last week taught me that I hadn’t really, no. I had found other ways to vent my anger, I had found other distractions. But when I have none of those, it’s back to that same piece of glass.
Nothing had changed.

Or had it?
This time, I was mad, so mad, that I wanted to throw things about, I wanted to destroy the phone that I was clutching in my hand, I wanted to smash things, break things.
I wanted to, but I did nothing of that sort.
I chose to hurt myself.

At first I was worried that this old piece of glass could infect me, so I didn’t cut deep. Just a scratch on my legs.
Then I looked at my legs. The old scars had faded, but they were still there. I could make out the criss-cross lines of the past. All of a sudden, I didn’t want to add more.
I still needed it, though. So I swiped the glass across my thigh twice until blood came out, just a little bit, then I put it away.
Just a scratch.
Because I like my legs and I didn’t want to scar them.

Something had changed after all.

April 2, 2012

Aaand, that’s a SAVE!

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

We had a soccer match today. It was intra-college soccer, with teams of 5, each half of 8 minutes and a small field.
My team was in the group stage and we had to either win or draw today’s match to qualify to the next round.

It sounds easy, right?
We’d once lost against the same team in last year’s tournament. And we’d lost really badly. 4-0 or some such score.

I knew it would be a shame if we were to lose today. We had it so easy. We just had to prevent a goal. But we were after all facing a team that could bulldoze its way past us, to the goal.

To put it in a nutshell:
1. We drew 0-0.
2. The opposite team’s defender kicked really high, and being amateurs that we were, 3 times our arms unfortunately touched the ball and we fouled.
3. One such time, the opposite team was awarded a penalty kick. This was their one big chance to score. We held our breaths and cursed them mentally and hah, they missed!
4. One of their strikers, their team’s bulldozers, knocked all of us about. She elbowed me in my solar plexus, she blocked our paths, she pulled us out of the way.
5. I received two direct hits: one to my abdomen, and one to my forehead that knocked me off balance like a rag doll. Head’s still hurting, but my brain’s fully functional.
6. The first half of the game, the opposite team was really laid back. Maybe they were trying to make us complacent, but we saw through it and were fully prepared for the second half in which they were aggressive like hell.
7. During the last 5 minutes of the game, we just kept kicking the ball outside the field. They’d get a corner, we’d intercept and kick it out. Best. Strategy. Ever. (when you’re playing against a team as amateur as you)
8. The rush of beating a team you’d once lost to, is Amazing.

Wish me luck, I’m the team captain.
I know not when the next match shall be, but I hope we win that too.
In fact, I’ve been thinking about starting to run in the evenings in order to improve my stamina. Not just for these matches, they’re not that big a deal, but you know, a good stamina never hurt anybody.

In the end, I shall leave you with a photo from today.

 

 

Do you recognize your 20-year-old self? Do you like how you used to look? Do you like how you look now?

Love,

Past Me