For Want of a Passion

by thebirdieflies

I’m tired.
I’m tired of just shuffling along, putting all my efforts into getting into a good college, getting a good education, getting a good grade, finishing that project, studying for that test, sticking to my deadlines, keeping up with my commitments, not sparing Any time to really try to figure out what it is that I’m good at, or that I have an interest in.

I chose to go into engineering because I saw it as an easy way out.
I didn’t have to figure anything out for myself, everything was clearly laid out for me. I didn’t have to sit back and think about what I wanted to do, or what interested me. If engineering turned out to not be my cup of tea, I could just do a post-graduation after that of anything I like. I assumed that I would have it all figured out by then.

I was just escaping the inevitable for the time being.

Now, at the end of almost 2 years of engineering, I think I need to reflect on what I want to do.
I need to look for opportunities to learn more in those fields, I need to know people, get in touch with people who can point me in the right directions.
All along I thought computer science was my domain. I am good in this field, I have sharp logic, I can reason on my feet, I understand concepts related to computers fairly quickly and I’m not too bad at programming. I was perfectly happy envisioning doing a few internships during my undergrad years, doing as many projects as I could, building my CV, a few years doing my post-grad in USA, a happy life somewhere or the other and hopefully money enough to keep me alive comfortably (and a bit more).
Then A came and told me about his friend who’s really interested in being a designer.

And I’m lost again.
I wanted to try my hand at designing too. I really did.
I want to do photography too, I really do.
I want to see if I’m good enough at either of them to be able to feed myself off my photos/designs.
I want to be passionate about one thing that I would take time out for and that I would seriously pursue.
I want to find out what it is that I should do. Is computer science really going to keep me happy? I’m good, no doubt; but is that enough?
Yesterday I talked to A’s friend. He showed me the resources he’d collected for himself. I looked through some old exam papers. I don’t know; people who did their undergrad in design have So much of a leverage over me in terms of drawing skills and drawing what they’re imagining. I haven’t even exercised that portion of my head for so long! I think in 2D, my spatial reasoning is something I struggle with in IQ tests. I didn’t even do mechanical/engineering drawing goddamnit. What will I ever do?

I am afraid. I really am.

I could take the easy way out again. But I don’t want to keep doing for the rest of my life.

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