Archive for January, 2012

January 11, 2012

Lost

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I am lost.
I hope you aren’t.

I’m sitting on my bed, my phone to my ear, listening to A talk about why our college is Amazing.
It doesn’t make sense. Any of it.
It’s bouncing around in my head, his words. They don’t seem to be of any relevance to me.

I hope you manage to figure your way out of it.

Love,
Past Me

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January 9, 2012

For Want of a Passion

by thebirdieflies

I’m tired.
I’m tired of just shuffling along, putting all my efforts into getting into a good college, getting a good education, getting a good grade, finishing that project, studying for that test, sticking to my deadlines, keeping up with my commitments, not sparing Any time to really try to figure out what it is that I’m good at, or that I have an interest in.

I chose to go into engineering because I saw it as an easy way out.
I didn’t have to figure anything out for myself, everything was clearly laid out for me. I didn’t have to sit back and think about what I wanted to do, or what interested me. If engineering turned out to not be my cup of tea, I could just do a post-graduation after that of anything I like. I assumed that I would have it all figured out by then.

I was just escaping the inevitable for the time being.

Now, at the end of almost 2 years of engineering, I think I need to reflect on what I want to do.
I need to look for opportunities to learn more in those fields, I need to know people, get in touch with people who can point me in the right directions.
All along I thought computer science was my domain. I am good in this field, I have sharp logic, I can reason on my feet, I understand concepts related to computers fairly quickly and I’m not too bad at programming. I was perfectly happy envisioning doing a few internships during my undergrad years, doing as many projects as I could, building my CV, a few years doing my post-grad in USA, a happy life somewhere or the other and hopefully money enough to keep me alive comfortably (and a bit more).
Then A came and told me about his friend who’s really interested in being a designer.

And I’m lost again.
I wanted to try my hand at designing too. I really did.
I want to do photography too, I really do.
I want to see if I’m good enough at either of them to be able to feed myself off my photos/designs.
I want to be passionate about one thing that I would take time out for and that I would seriously pursue.
I want to find out what it is that I should do. Is computer science really going to keep me happy? I’m good, no doubt; but is that enough?
Yesterday I talked to A’s friend. He showed me the resources he’d collected for himself. I looked through some old exam papers. I don’t know; people who did their undergrad in design have So much of a leverage over me in terms of drawing skills and drawing what they’re imagining. I haven’t even exercised that portion of my head for so long! I think in 2D, my spatial reasoning is something I struggle with in IQ tests. I didn’t even do mechanical/engineering drawing goddamnit. What will I ever do?

I am afraid. I really am.

I could take the easy way out again. But I don’t want to keep doing for the rest of my life.

January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

So, are you still alive? Did the world end 11 months and 21 days from now, or is it still rolling around in the vast darkness of space?
What happened exactly? Did the world implode or did everyone just turn to dust one fine day?

To be honest, I want the world to end.
And to be even more honest, I don’t think it will.
I just don’t believe in it.
But there are two sides of the coin to that:
1. If you believe the world will end someday in the near future, then the struggle to make the world a better place to live in will be abandoned, and everyone will run about on the streets like drunken hooligans. There will be no more point in looking at the big picture, or in planning ahead.
2. If you believe the world will end someday in the near future, you will live the way you want to live, you will not live the way you are forced to live. You will really, really live, and when your life ends, you will die without any regrets. Even if the world doesn’t end, we will all die someday and no one really knows how soon that will be.

It’s been almost a day now, since the year has begun.
I don’t have any new year resolutions. I don’t understand why certain days in the year are given so much importance for no reason. 1st January for example. What’s special about that? Some guy decided it should mark the beginning of a new year, but it doesn’t have to mean a fresh start for us. A fresh start could be when you finally move on after a broken relationship; it can be when you shift to a new country and start your life afresh; it could be marked by the end of, say, your school years; it can be when you join a new job, or when you look for a new career stream. Those are more meaningful units for measuring the different periods our life anyway.

It could be a brand new haircut! And starting a new semester in college. And kinda dreading the reactions to said haircut.

That’s how you looked, once upon a time, when you decided to try a new hairstyle.

Love
Past Me