Numb

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

When you were about 12-13 years old, the song, Numb, by Linkin Park was a huge favourite of yours. You didn’t have iPods at that time and were still un-introduced to the idea of downloading songs off the net. You would listen to this song over and over again over the telephone because your best friend had this song on her computer somehow. You wrote down its lyrics once, trying to decipher the words over the phone, and sang along to the song in your head.
Linkin Park, oh how much you loved that band.
Now you think it’s not worth all that fawning over.

Now, you actually Do feel numb. Emotionally numb. And this is something you’re doing to yourself. If an idea disgusts you, repulses you, shocks you, you think of it over and over again until you are numb to it. Such as the idea of self-cannibalism in Stephen King’s short story ‘Survivor Type’.

But no, that is not really of concern at the moment.
What is of concern is that you, all of a sudden, are incapable of feeling love. What is love? Have you asked yourself that question far too many times to actually ever feel it anymore? Or was love something only reserved for R? You think you love A, but you are not sure. And once you start on that track, you are no longer sure of anything. Why do you like him? Why can you not feel the dread that he feels, the euphoria that he feels, the love that he feels being with you? Why were you so cold and numb to the idea of breaking up with him? Didn’t it matter?
Why are you pushing yourself away from him? When anything he says hurts you, you clam up just a little bit more. You look for someone else to fulfil your emotional needs. You don’t need him, you tell yourself. You become just a little more numb.

You will have a conversation with him tonight. I hope it gets sorted out.

Love
Past Me

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