Archive for November, 2011

November 30, 2011

Puppies

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I played with stray puppies yesterday.
My exams ended yesterday.
I found out yesterday that I got accepted for a particular winter school commencing this December.
I watched more Modern Family yesterday.
I had cups and cups of soup yesterday.

Today, I am finally home and I’m wearing ridiculously bright red tights.

I will make use of this December, I will.
I will write a post soon where I shall tell you why my CGPA is important to me. And why it is actually not some kind of an unhealthy competition bred out of high expectations.

Did you notice how my post has been neatly divided into the past, the present and the future?

Love,
Past Me

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November 16, 2011

Shiver

by thebirdieflies

That song was part of the movie’s soundtrack. The movie I was watching.

That song.

It hit me. I shivered.

It used to be my alarm tone because it woke me up like a little nudge, like a soft voice calling my name.
It used to be R’s alarm tone too.
I remember he said he would wake up every morning and be lulled back to sleep, dreaming of me.
I wouldn’t be lulled back to sleep because I would extricate my phone from under my pillow and I would read the messages he had left for me.
I would stay in bed for a few minutes, messaging him, unwilling to face the cold mornings, unwilling to let go of my warm blanket, unwilling to stop talking to him.
It was late winter, those days. The mornings were cold, the beds were seductive.

He loved me.
It hurts to think that I hurt him.
A, no matter how much I like him, no matter how much I think I might love him, and no matter how well we get along, doesn’t love me. Yet.

I played the song right now.
I had to pause because it made me incredibly sad.

Do I miss R?
I don’t know.
How could I miss him? Have I forgotten all those fights, all those arguments, all those things that came in our way until we couldn’t be together any longer? I had moved on from him. I was the one who grew bored of him. How could I be the one who misses him?
I saw him a month back.
He was smiling. I don’t know if he saw me.

Sometimes I wish I could be as sure of things with A as I was with R.

Sometimes I wonder if everything has been a huge mistake.

Sometimes I see things the way R used to see and the way I never saw. And I feel really bad.
I feel guilty, and I don’t know how to let go of that guilt.

Imagine someone you love a lot. Imagine him (or her) slowly drifting away from you, spending more time away from you, hanging out with others more and with you less. Imagine him not understanding what you are saying, imagine him getting closer and closer to another girl and you can see in front of your eyes that he is growing more distant and there is nothing you can do about it.
I tell myself that I never allowed myself to like A while I was still with R.
I know that I never looked at A as anything more than a friend, giving everything I could give to the relationship with R.
I know that, and I firmly believe that.
But I can’t deny that I grew closer and closer to A, even if it was only as a friend, until A mattered a lot more than R did.
He was, still, a friend.
But he was a close friend.
Someone I got along with better.
And in retrospect, I don’t know what I really liked about R.
But I can’t deny that I loved him, even if it wasn’t as much as he loved me.

I don’t want to give this any more thought.
I have moved on from R, and I like A now. The guilt, that can’t be helped. I shall have to live with it.
And the uncertainties about everything with A will simply have to resolve themselves.

November 16, 2011

Too Much Work

by thebirdieflies

Makes me go –

Book Report – 1
Crosswords to design – 2
Tests this week – 2
Assignments due – 3
Exams – 5, a week away
Sucky grades this sem (y/n) – y
Save me – please.
 

November 16, 2011

I Like

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

What do you like about what you are doing? Do you like your life? Your job? Do you get to do the stuff you want to do? Do you bake occasionally? Photograph? Play with colours? Write short stories? Travel?
What do you like about who you are? Are you comfortable with the way you are, or do you feel a need to change yourself? Do you think you aren’t as good a person as you should be? Do you take people for granted? Are you not honest with yourself and with the people you love? How’s it going with the parents?

I will tell you what I like about myself.
I like that I am a very honest person. I find it difficult to tell lies, but then again, I don’t think I have to (well, mostly) because I don’t think I do anything wrong.
I think one needs to be convinced in the correct-ness of what one is doing, because otherwise, one will never be able to do it. And if I am convinced that I am right, then I don’t need to be ashamed of it, right?
Sometimes I lie to avoid confrontation resulting from a difference in opinion.

I like that I try to keep an open mind. I realise the subtle difference between trying to, and actually doing it. I realise that I’m not always successful. But the ‘trying to’ part ensures that I keep asking relevant questions that prevent my brain from closing up.

I like that I have low expectations from people. The way it works is, if I start building expectations, they will one day soar so high that no one will be able to fulfil them. Then my expectations won’t be met and I will be utterly and sorely depressed. So, I keep my expectations low. That way, even the littlest things seem surprising and amazing and I love people all the more for it.

Aaand, I like my legs. Haha.

Love,
Past Me With Ze Sexeh Legs

November 8, 2011

About A Boy

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Have I told you about A?
He is the most beautiful boy I know right now.
I don’t know if I love him, sometimes I think I do, but sometimes I’m not sure.
He is huge, he is more than 6 inches taller than me and he makes me feel so little and insignificant.
He says he loves me for being so little because he feels protective of me.
I like him being huge because he may be very strong and tall and able to sort out everyone, he is still a little vulnerable boy who needs me and misses me.

He has a big head full of big dark curls.
I love running my hands through his mop of curls, and inhaling his smell and feeling his heart beat when I put my head on his chest.

He has big brown eyes, and when he looks at me with his face so close to mine, I can almost look into his soul. The honesty in his eyes is disarming. It is as if he is laying himself bare in front of me because he trusts me so much, allowing me to look inside him.

He has huge hands and I keep teasing him about them, calling them his paws.
But when he holds me with those hands, I feel safe. Like nothing in the world can go wrong when I am with him.
It frightens me a little.
Why do I adore him so much?
And why do I feel guilty?

I want to hold him right now. I don’t want to think about the workload, the assignments that are due, the exams that are drawing nearer and the nearly 40-50 kms that lie between me and him. I want to hold him tight and inhale his smell and kiss him lightly all over until I drift off to sleep, listening to his slightly sped up heartbeat.

Love,
Past Me