Of How Strange It Felt

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I don’t know if this happened with you ever again, but once upon a time, you liked a boy and you liked him for a long time. You were so convinced that going out with him will be a bad idea, that you attempted to brainwash yourself into believing that he isn’t and will never be interested in you. You told yourself that it simply cannot work out. You thought about all his flaws and even when it seemed like those little flaws didn’t make a difference, you tried to make them matter (such as the fact that he acted gay. You knew he was entirely straight and just liked creeping out guys, but you forced yourself to be disgusted by his actions just so that you liked him a little less). By the end, when you finally had enough of it and told him that you like him, in order to protect yourself against rejection, you tried to force-feed yourself this “truth”, that he does not like you and nothing will ever work out. Wasn’t he only recently “in love” with his neighbour?

No, as it turned out, he wasn’t in love with her, and he had liked you for a long, long time too.
Indeed, he still liked you.

But he still wasn’t doing anything about it. You guys were still just best friends, but once in a while, an awkwardness crept up because one of you would say something inappropriate.
When you eventually had enough of it, he finally asked you out. Said he had been trying to bring himself to do it for some time now. And it took him time because he simply couldn’t figure out whether he should. Yes, that was after you had already told him that you like him! Stupid prat.

The transition from just friends to dating was a very, very strange one. At first, the fact that everything that you had always thought impossible was turning out to be possible after all, was exhilarating! You were dating the guy you had wanted to date, even though it had seemed like a lost cause! This guy really and honestly liked you, which you had never thought would be possible (indeed you made yourself believe that it wouldn’t be)! You were sending him mushy messages, after having spent a good number of months trying to hide your real feelings!
Then, even while you were trying to cope up with the fact that these extremely diverse behaviours were being exhibited by the same person, i.e., your best friend, you started losing track of what was real and what was not. You felt that these expressions of affection from him were not real because you had been so convinced that it simply couldn’t happen this way. How could he, one sudden day, decide that he really liked you?, was what you wondered.. Then, to make matters more confusing, you couldn’t figure out why your best friend was behaving like this. He wasn’t being the same best friend that you had fallen for.

But I am happy to tell you, you figured it out in the end. You even sat down and made a list of the expectations you have from each other. I will write about those shortly.
Till then,
Love,
Past Me

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