Archive for October, 2011

October 29, 2011

Of Doing Things

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I decided that I should leave you some sort of a list. Later, it will be so much fun to tick things off them. Or to see how much our priorities have changed?

1. Have a cat of your own! It entails having your own house to live in.
2. I hope it is a good house. At least, a house that you are happy in.
3. Travel, travel, travel. Once upon a time, you had decided to save up madly for a year or two, then blow up everything on a mad trip to everywhere, then begin afresh on the career scene. I don’t know how feasible you think this is now, but I would like to think you still have a touch of your optimism and spontaneity left in you.
4. Buy yourself that dSLR, that I’m still saving up money for. Nearly got 1/3rd of the cost now.
5. Be a photographer. Maybe not a full-time professional photographer. Maybe just a freelancer. Or maybe just a hobbyist, who photographs when she finds time.
6. Please still be taking time out for yourself. Bake some new stuff. I learnt a few neat things this summer, I hope you have built upon those skills.
7. Learn a new language. Even if it is but broken.
8. Learn to dance. Just a little bit.
9. Do something fantastic and crazy. Skydive, or bungee-jump. Learn to surf.

I can’t think of other stuff. I am sure there are many more. I have a lot that I expect out of you.

Love,
Past Me

October 29, 2011

Of Bleeding

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I have never been able to explain to anyone why I used to cut myself a few years ago.

There have been people who react immediately, who rush to tell me that I am mad, who never even listen beyond the first sentence. They think I am suicidal.

There have been people who just let me be. They know that I am not mad, and that is where the problem ends for them. They don’t think I am suicidal.

There have been people who don’t think I’m suicidal, and even if they hear me out, they refuse to see why I ever did that. They treat me with kid gloves, afraid that I will take to it again.

But everyone forgets eventually.
They let me be.
They stop talking of suicide helplines after a while, they stop telling me to visit a psychiatrist, a parent, a counsellor. They accept it as something that is beyond their comprehension, something whose rationale will forever evade them.
I accept it as something that no one will understand.

I have tried to understand why I do it. I suppose it began because I was seeking attention. From whom?
I suppose I cut myself once, twice, five times, ten times, because I wanted to see how far I could go. I didn’t want to attract trouble, only attention.
Over a period, it became a tool, that I would use whenever I was immensely depressed or immensely angry. It would distract me from my misery, it would shock me out of my self-pity. I still have no qualms using it. I control it, it will only go as far as I want it to go and I know how far to not go. Because, really, I am not suicidal. Suicide as a means of escape was a route that I had long ago given up on.

That will be all for now.

Love,
Past Me

October 25, 2011

Of Future Plans

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I found out a few days back that when one goes through childbirth, doctors perform something known as ‘episiotomy’ where they cut open your vagina so that it is easier for the child to pass through. I knew that during normal childbirth your vagina tears, and that had seemed rather horrifying at that time.

I don’t know which is worse.

So here’s the thing. If you Ever feel your biological clock ticking, please do sit down and read this post and a few pregnancy blogs where they write about constipation and incontinence and back ache and insomnia. Then, if  you still want to experience motherhood, drive to the nearest adoption centre and pick up a little girl. Please don’t put yourself through 9 months of agony. And don’t forget about stretch marks and health issues. You might even end up having a disfigured little kid. Reproduction is nothing but genes playing with probability. You will be a very pretty woman, I’m sure, and you’re smart too. The chances of having a pretty, smart baby will be high, (I trust you will pick a smart partner too. Not very sure about good-looking however) but that doesn’t mean you have successfully eliminated the possibility of having a deformed kid with 14 fingers and 3 legs. An UGLY mom with an UGLY kid. You will not be very happy about that. Especially when the kid poops all over you and then throws up for good measure and you have backaches that could kill you.

Good luck.

Oh and, don’t have one too early.

Have a cat instead. Cats are awesome.

Love,

Past Me

October 13, 2011

Of Futility

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I don’t get it, alright? I just don’t get it. I don’t get how one can expect me to put in some effort if there is nothing to look forward to. If you are telling me that we are Going to lose, How The FUCK do you expect me to even turn up for it, much less sit there and try my hand at winning?

I am supposed to go, sit for Four FUCKING hours, do some thinking and coding instead of something infinitely more satisfying like sleeping for those four hours straight, when you, my dear, dear team mates, are telling me that we are going to lose anyway. I don’t know how that drives you to even perform a bit, it just makes me want to slap you both across your faces ten thousand times for leading me to believe that we will Not give up until TWO days before the event, when I cannot even choose some slightly more motivated team partners. I want to punch somebody until my knuckles start bleeding, I am That frustrated.

Just go do it alone, okay? I’m not coming. I’m not taking part in some shameless giving up before the fucking event has even Commenced. I cannot partake in coding without being given the slightest hope of something good happening. I know that we are nowhere as good as so many other teams. I know that nearly 800 teams have registered and it’s tough competition. I know that, and I’m not deluding myself into believing that we will win. I just need a little more motivation from you, because I really wanted to take part and put in some Serious effort. I need this, because I am afraid of ending up nowhere. I hate you, because that will not happen to you, but it can VERY WELL happen to me. I fucking hate all of you.

October 9, 2011

Of Some Good Songs

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Listen to the soundtrack of My Best Friend’s Wedding.
It is good.
Especially –
1. I Say A Little Prayer by Aretha Franklin
2. Annie’s Song by John Denver
3. I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself by The White Stripes

Love,
Past Me

October 6, 2011

Of Scratch-Off Challenges

by thebirdieflies

I found this challenge on a blog. I thought I’ll try it out.

Dear Future Me

This is how you were, at 19.

Appearance
I have/had piercings besides the ears.
I want piercings besides the ears.
I have many scars.
I tan easily.
I wish my hair was a different color.  (I want different coloured streaks)
I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
I have a tattoo.
I want a tattoo.
I can be self-conscious about my appearance.
I have/had braces.
I have more than two piercings.

Embarrassment
Disney movies still make me cry.
I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
I’ve glued my hand to something.
I’ve laughed until some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
I’ve had my pants rip in public.
I’ve touched something sharp/hot/etc to see if it would hurt.

Health
I’ve gotten stitches.
I’ve broken or dislocated a bone.
I’ve had my tonsils removed.
I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
I’ve had chicken pox.
I’ve had malaria.
I’ve had typhoid.
I’ve had jaundice.

Travel
I’ve been on a plane.
I’ve been to US.
I’ve been to Europe.
I’ve been to at least one other country.
I’ve never been out of my country.

Experiences
I’ve gotten lost in my city.
I’ve seen a shooting star.
I’ve wished on a shooting star.
I’ve seen a meteor shower.
I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
I’ve slapped someone.
I’ve kissed someone underwater.
I’ve chugged something.
I’ve crashed a car.
I’ve been skiing.
I’ve been in a musical.
I’ve auditioned for something.
I’ve been on stage.
I’ve caught a snowflake on my tongue.
I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
I’ve pranked someone.
I’ve ridden in a taxi.

Honesty / Crime
I’ve been threatened to be arrested.
I’ve broken a law.
I’ve done something I promised someone I wouldn’t.
I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I’ve sneaked out.
I’ve lied about my whereabouts.
I’ve cheated while playing a game.
I’ve been in a fist fight.

Death
I’m afraid of dying.
I hate funerals.
I’ve seen someone/something die.
Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide.
I have attempted suicide.
I’ve thought about suicide before.
I’ve written a eulogy for myself. (I will do this soon. Interesting idea!)

Materialism
I own over 10 music CDs.
I own over 10 novels.
I own over 5 electronic gadgets.
I’m obsessed with anime/manga.
I collected comic books.
I own a lot of makeup.
I own gaming console(s).
I own a car.
I own a bike.
I thrive on compliments.
I thrive on hate.

Random
I can sing low key.
I’ve stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
I open up to others easily.
I watch the news occasionally or always.
I like to kill bugs.
I sing in the shower.
I’m a morning person.
I’m a sports fanatic.
I twirl my hair.
I care about grammar.
I love spam.
I’ve copied more than 30 CDs in a day.
I bake well.
My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, blue, red, black, purple, or orange.
I would wear pajamas to school.
I like Martha Stewart.
I laugh at my own jokes.
I eat fast food weekly.
I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
I can’t sleep if there’s a bug/insect in the room.
I’m really ticklish.
I like chocolate.
I bite my nails.
I’m good at remembering names.
I’m good at remembering dates.
My memory sucks.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

People
…used to ask if I was anorexic/bulimic.
…called me fat.
…say I’m skinny.
…have said I’m ugly.
…have said I’m pretty.
…have spread rumors about me.
…force me to eat.
…say I eat too much.
…say I eat too little.
…say I eat too fast.
…say I eat too slow.
…have called me a genius.
…have given me gifts.

Eating
I’ve lost weight.
I’ve gained weight.
I’m at my thinnest.
I’m at my biggest.
I’ve lost weight and kept it off.
I’ve lost weight, but gained it back.
My weight affects my mood. A lot.
I diet.
I’m vegan/vegetarian.
I exercise.
I’ve fainted from exhaustion.

Family
I’ve sworn at my parents.
I’ve planned to run away from home before.
I’ve run away from home.
My biological parents are together.
I have a sibling less than one year old.
I want kids.
I’ve had kids.
I’ve lost a child.

Relationships
I’m engaged.
I’m married.
I’m a swinger.
I’m single.
I’m in a relationship.
I’ve gone on a blind date.
I have/had a friend with benefits.
I miss someone right now.
I have a fear of abandonment.
I don’t like to depend on others.
I’ve gotten divorced.
I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
Someone has/had feelings for me when I didn’t have them back.
I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

Sexuality
I’m a cuddler.
I’ve been kissed in the rain.
I’ve hugged a stranger.
I’ve kissed a stranger.

Bad times
I regularly drink.
I can’t swallow pills.
I can swallow numerous pills at a time without difficulty.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression at some point.
I have/had anxiety problems.
I shut others out when I’m upset.
I don’t have anyone to talk to when I’m upset.
I have taken/take anti-depressants.
I’ve slept an entire day before.
I’ve plotted revenge.

Love,

Past Me

October 6, 2011

Of Steve Jobs And Death

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

Steve Jobs died today.
You were strangely unaffected.

When it comes to death, you used to think that you’d rather die yourself than have to live through someone else’s death. Someone who is closer to you than Steve Jobs, obviously.
You weren’t afraid of death because once you die, everything ceases to make a difference. In death, it doesn’t matter if your life goals were left unaccomplished, whether your family and friends are mourning your death or going on with their lives like every other day, whether you would miss someone. You wouldn’t miss anyone; the part of your brain that makes you miss people will be busy decomposing. You wouldn’t feel pain; your nerves wouldn’t be firing pain impulses anymore. You wouldn’t feel remorse or regret; your head, that keeps track of what you always wanted to do before dying, will be lying useless, blood slowly congealing in their veins.

You used to hope that to die young, so that you don’t have to witness too many deaths, and you don’t have to suffer old age and illnesses.

It would be sadly ironic if you are reading this at the ripe old age of 98 years.

Love
Past Me

October 6, 2011

Of Pertinent Questions

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

When you are considering dating someone, try making a list of all the things you like about him.
If it’s going to be a one-week fling, just about Anything on that list will work.
But if you are serious about making it last a while, see if the guy is a good conversationalist. Does he interest you? Do you want to keep talking to him, not because he’s flirting with you, but because what he talks about interests you? Does he Know stuff? Stuff that you like, or are interested in. Can he carry out an entire conversation discussing world politics/history, religion, science, psychology of people etc? Also, very importantly, does he make you laugh? Does he not mind that you act foolish at times and commit social faux pas? Does he keep commenting on how you speak, dress, walk and do you feel like he’s trying to change you? Is he nice to you? And does he seem genuine and honest?

These are pertinent questions.

If you don’t want boredom to set in, you need something more substantial than a good-looking hunk of a man.

Lots of love,
Past Me

October 1, 2011

Of Languages

by thebirdieflies

Dear Future Me

I wanted to speak French in France. Did that happen?

Love,
Past Me

October 1, 2011

Of Expectations

by thebirdieflies

You expect from him –
1. Trust
2. That your preferences make a difference; that if you don’t want something, he cannot somehow make you do it anyway; that he shouldn’t let you bully him into doing things against his free will
3. That he should feel free to tell you Anything he wants

He expects from you –
1. If you ever like someone else while you’re still dating him, you should let him know.
2. Tell him everything, and not try to convince yourself that it doesn’t matter when it actually does.

Dear Future Me

I hope you remember these.

Love,
Past Me