I read a blog-friend’s post on depression two days back.

He came out about his depression on his blog quite recently, but his last post kind of shook me.

Long story short, I’m beginning to feel like I might have depressive tendencies too. Trust me, it’s not hypochondria. I asked A about it and he verified it too. He said he thought the same when he read the post.

The trouble is, I’m almost absolutely certain that I’m not a full-blown depressive, I just have similar tendencies. But I will have to keep trying to outsmart my brain which will only be happy to accept it as an excuse to give up when things go downhill.

:S

Confrontations

I dislike confrontations. I’m not good at them.

Either I will become really defensive, or I will become really offensive.

Diplomacy doesn’t come easy to me.

Recently my applications for an internship at two places got selected. One is at an educational institute, and another is in the industry. One provides accommodation and a better stipend and the other doesn’t.

Doesn’t take much to guess which is which, but I’ll make it easier: The educational institute won’t provide me accommodation and will pay me a measly stipend.

So I had a “confrontation” with dad about going there. He ended up yelling at me over the phone that he dislikes that option entirely, that he dislikes that I will go somewhere without any support whatsoever neither monetary, nor infrastructural. Valid points for a parent, yes. But just because so far I’ve always stayed in the same city that I grew up in doesn’t mean I will always, and someday or the other, sooner or later, he will have to face this situation again. Of course, this confrontation has, since then, been making me feel sick in the pit of my stomach.

I thought I would at least be congratulated for getting through at a well known, well respected institute, but all I’ve met with is disapproval.

I’ll stop with the self pity for now and go do something useful.

Of Problems With Parents

I don’t have an easy relationship with my parents.

For one, I feel like I’m always being judged.
For two, I feel like dad doesn’t want to listen to anyone but himself.

Sometimes I feel guilty for thinking this way about him.
I want to be able to forget and move on.
I know that I’ve not yet succeeded in having a mature conversation about this (not even with myself).
I quite frequently find myself being bitter about it.

That means
I find it difficult to talk to my parents
And, I find myself generally being bitter, and emo around them.

I don’t know what to do.

Looking Back

Dear Future Me

Someday you are going to look back at some part of your life and regret not having dome something.
Not having punched that guy in his face.
Not having taken time out to travel when you still could.
Not having kept at playing the guitar.
Not having made the most of the opportunities that were presented to you.

The way I see it right now, there are two things you can do about it:
1. Don’t give yourself more reasons for regret.
2. Wherever you wish you had only known better, give someone else that advantage of knowing better.

Just make sure you don’t overdo #2 to the point that people think you’re annoying, and that the advice you give is actually unwanted.

Cheers!

Present Me

I Learnt

In a play area full of cardboard box at a recent book fair, I learnt something about myself – I Really don’t like destroying.

I don’t like breaking down cardboard box forts, even though they can be rebuilt.

I don’t like throwing away the chocolate wrapper collection that I have long since given up on.

I don’t like letting go of books that I no longer read.

I don’t like throwing away old letters, photographs, notebooks with stories and essays I’d written as a kid, school projects, SMSes.

 

I broke apart a ‘rival’ cardboard fort eventually, but I didn’t enjoy it One bit. It felt like tearing down someone’s hard work.

Christmas cards

It has been nearly a month since I posted a Christmas card to Drunken Archer. However, it seems like she may not have received it

I put in a fair amount of work into this card, and I wouldn’t like for her to not even get to see how it looked, so tada! There you go -

I hope you like in. It became slightly messy, but the tree is a nice one, innit?

Mon Anniversaire

My birthday wasn’t as awesome as I had hoped it would be.

It started off on the wrong foot. My friend reminded me that I would be receiving a lot of phone calls at midnight, and my first instinct was dread. I dreaded the awkward phone calls from friends who aren’t exactly friends. With whom I don’t talk much. At least not on phone.

I dreaded conversations with little content, and fake enthusiasm.
“Hello?”
“Heeeeey!”
“Happy birthday!”
“Thaaaanks!”
“Okay bye.”
“Byyye!”

I got quite a few of those.

The rest of the day followed in these footsteps.

I don’t usually give a lot of importance to birthdays. Why did I have to this time?

Twenty One

I’m about to officially be in my twenties. Not at the boundary anymore. They seem like a frightful period.

You are supposed to get things going in your twenties! You need to know what’s your career going to be, you need to finish college, you need to set the foundation for the rest of your life.

You might even *shh* marry.

I know nothing about any of it, and I suddenly feel like I’m being forced to grow up. Once I do my Masters, my career kind of gets fixed. There is usually not much room to change direction, unless you start your own business.

Some of my plans for my twenties are:

1. My own house!
2. Get a job!
3. Finish college.
4. Earn and save up and take at least One awesome trip to many countries in the world.
5. Buy a dSLR camera, finally. And an amazing zoom lens, and a prime lens.
6. Have a pet. Maybe a kitten.
7. Continue to stay in touch with friends and family.

Twenties are so talked about. You do a lot of experimentation then, you make lots of mistakes and learn from them, it’s almost like the period of time reserved for you to go wild before settling down into your thirties. Thirties seem comparatively more sedate, and mature.

I don’t know how my twenties will go for me. My teens were Not the way I would have liked for them to be.

I want to keep A with me in my twenties, that’s not something I can deny anymore. The question is, will I make bad choices because I so badly want to keep him with me?

Is it a good idea to want something so long-lasting right now? When everything is so transient. Nobody knows where we will end up for post-grad. Maybe in different countries. I am being so stupid, but denial doesn’t do anyone any good, and accepting the above has only given me permission to daydream more about it. Bleh.

In the meantime, here’s me, on Christmas. With a slightly wonky smile. Hi, y’all.

 

Boats!

Happy new year y’all. I’m back from a pretty fascinating trip, a lot of which involved boats and sailing. And a tiger!

I intend to write more frequently this year.

Dear Future Me

If you decide to have children, do let them know that school isn’t something to make a big deal about.

Let them know that the real world has bigger problems than not doing homework or not scoring good marks, or not wearing your uniform properly.

Let them know that school is only there to teach them five important things: reading, writing, basic arithmetic, logical reasoning and appreciation of social sciences.

That there are more important things in life than being the best student.

That one will soon outgrow most school friends, but being able to interact in social situations is something to keep for life.

That teachers are only humans, and one shouldn’t take them too seriously – they have their own prejudices, their own beliefs, their own sensibilities and they might not be right all the time. It is more important to develop your Own beliefs, sensibilities, morals, and be able to stand up for what you believe.

Above all, if you decide to have children, make sure you don’t them treat them as a child all the time.

Love

Present Me